Dyllan Grace Newton

 

This baby is my treatment and my angel. She is Grace in every way and I thank God for the time we have bonding. My results from last weeks' head scan was inconclusive, so we went for another scan that still showed poor results so on to the next test to biopsy the spot on the brain membrane. I now have staples in my head where it is healing, but it looks worse than it is and I am bouncing back once again fighting right alongside my baby granddaughter, Dyllan Grace Newton. Today I got to hold her without the Bili lights, without her ventilator, and without her IV. Daily more wires are coming off and she is soon going to be a super girl showing us all how to LIVE! I take notes from her everyday and there is no doubt in my mind that she was a gift to help me fight this battle. She is JOY everyday.
We watched the movie "Marley and Me" tonight and it brought many memories back to light if you search past blogs; BAILEY in particular, we could just relive the moments. Now we have grand puppy, Mylo, who is a wild one in her own right. She watched with us and we are anxious to bring Dyllan home and see how she adapts to the new little one. She is very confused right now and being left home alone allot, but in the end I think we will be a very happy family. Life takes some funny turns.

The power of love

Becky called me to tell me about her feral kittens (5 of them out of 20 that they captured) that she rescued from a homeless camp teaming with generations of felines, none of them spade or neutered. They were wild and scared, and not being immunized, a scene that needed to be cleaned up. She has had them for nearly 2 months and slowly they have warmed up to her attentions and started to purr. Being the foster family, it was now time to look for adoption and she returned them, changed animals, to an adoption center where 3 have now been adopted.

I think about Mylo,my grandpuppy, who goes crazy over a little attention that she is now lacking since Steve is at my bedside, and Erica and Dan are preoccupied with Baby Dyllan, and then I feel the tremendous love that pours in for me with each person who comes to pay me a visit.

We humans need the physical presence and touch of other human beings to be comforted and well. God has taught us to love one another, but our trust in others is often guarded and for good reasons! I have been witness to the effects of unconditional love in the growth of premie Dyllan. Daily she progresses more perfectly than the day before and one can see her melt into a comfort place as she finally, after 3 days, can have contact, skin to skin, with her Mom and Dad. I have no doubts that she will thrive each day-the power of love.

If I can set my fears aside and believe that God (love) is always with me, I can also believe that I am healed. I am empowered by a kiss on the forehead, a massage, a hand held in prayer, and a stedying hand to the bathroom. It makes me want to give back in kind. Like the feral kittens, we can be amazed at the peaceful results of simple loving touches. May God open our eyes to the power of his love for all of us and the world will be a better place. Thank you all for your prayers and healing touch.

Dyllan Grace Newton arrives

Ok I am out of Swedish Hotel and resting at home-thank God that Dr Kaplan let me out-the waterfront home we have just moved back into is so much more restful I can relax and recouperate. But NO, we get an alarming call at 2 AM-never a good time for a call- one I wasn't expecting for another 2 months. Dyllan is on her way. Daughter Erica and husband, Dan haven't even had their tour of Overlake Hospital, nor have they had the birthing classes they signed up for last week. I have been sleeping lightly anyhow following my own hospital visit at Swedish, but I have been released to wait for test results, so what better way to rest-waiting for my grandchild who is on her way.
3:30 -5:30 and labor is being stopped with drugs to see if Dyllan can mature a bit more before she comes-Erica relaxes a bit and we decide to go home and sleep since it is not far away. Dan and Sean have been up all nite long-they skied at Crystal and then popped in to say "hi" before leaving for the Showbox. Erica had been nannying and was due to pick up Charlie after Tolo. Dan left Sean via taxi when he got the call that his beloved was having trouble moving. Everyone was tired and sleep deprived.
8 am Dan called again to say that the baby was definetly on her way and when we arrived shortly thereafter, she was being given an epidural and in a lot of pain. Her legs went numb as the shot went into her spinal column. "Now I know what you're talking about" she said, as her leg became dead weight. She started to laugh-as much in releif of the pain as the funny feeling that came along with the drug. "I don't know how anyone can do this without the drugs", she said. I kissed her, thinking back on her own birth, memories of the day flooding back and just smiled. Natural childbirth was the way to go back then. We smoked pot, but wouldn't think about drugging our babies unnaturally.
Contractions were slow and far between but Erica couldn't even feel them! We skyped (video communication on the computer) the Newton family in Australia and Marianne and Lionel answered in their pajamas. Lionel continued to entertain us with muscle flexes, poses, and a drawing of the family that Dan had drawn when they were there in December. We laughed as did Kimie, our Korean midwife/nurse who had never seen anything like this before. it was Australia day, Jan 25th, in Australia. Lionel got out his NY Yankees hat and American flag and waved it around. We took the laptop around the room and showed off our suite complete with flowers, food and candles that Karrey had dropped off. Then the pushing started and the mood got more serious. The computer died and we had to call Newtons back between pushes. 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10...rest & repeat 3x until the next contraction. Dan was counting backwards. Many pushes later, Dan and I were finally coordinated with our counting and coaching and the baby's head was crowning.
3;30 and there was a light knock on the door. I had been trying to help hold legs, pushing myself, and was getting tired also just watching but wasn't about to give up my position. Steve was at the door. "She is almost here"-story of his life-but he wasn't really up for coming in the room and helping, so back to report to Sean in the waiting room. I had been trying to take pictures (not the indecent type you cannot share) and help at the same time. Not a good time to multitask with a daughter in labor...the camera battery died just as the head was pushing out. I waited for the contraction to die down, then ran to get Sean's I- phone for the final shots. Dyllan let out a little cry-she was breathing on her own-cone head and red, but just perfect. With not enough time to count toes, give kisses, and barely say "hello" we love you, Dyllan was moved to the warm bed waiting for her as a crew of 8 Doctors flooded the room. The Dr gave Erica an episiotomy and smeered her with antiseptic medicine to allow Dyllan to come more gently and with as little stress and germs as possible and she was out! Kimie was an amazing coach and helper, giving Erica a backrub and obviously taking in all the pains and emotions of the moments. "How many babies do you deliver in a day?" Erica asked. About 1 an hour, she answered.
Dyllan was wheeled off to the neonatal room and the 4 of us Sussexes were all to be seen texting our friends and family...

Lab rats

I was touring open houses in Bellevue with Bonnie and we were finishing up our rounds when my leg started to go numb. Coupled with the dizziness I have been feeling off and on for a few weeks now, I asked Bonnie to steady me on the steps to the car for balance reasons. The leg had the pins and needles sensation which progressed upward to my hip. I waited a few seconds outside the car, flexing my ankle and hoping to regain feeling so that I could balance. Finally I slipped into the low BMW seat and stretched out as much as possible. Since it had been less that 1 week that I had called Dr Hank Kaplan and he had sent me to emergency, I hesitated to call again knowing the results would be the same. I have a life to live, darn it...no time for all this diagnostics! The left leg went nearly numb on me and it felt like I had 50 lbs of weight tied to my ankle. It was just dead weight-I am sure I would have fallen had I needed to put any weight on the leg to walk. Muscles were not working-the gears would not engage. I picked up the leg and dropped it on the car floor-thud-unbeleivable-just moments ago I was fine! Without further hesitation, I scrolled through my address book on my cell phone and called Dr Kaplan-I should have his number memorized by now.

I was admitted to ER around 3PM and after viles of blood had been drawn from my port, vitals had been taken, and 4 staff redundantly had asked my name, birthdate, and reason for being here, I was admitted for further testing to check for possible stroke warning (TIA) and MRI, and wheeled up to the 7th floor for another overnight.

Dr Kaplan appeared at my bedside at 4:45 am to bring me up to speed with the testing of the night before. No stoke-good, but the rest of the news, that I was staying the rest of the day and perhaps another night, did not go over well. The unknown is hard to deal with unless you stick your head in the sand and go on enjoying life. There must be a balance between ignorance and informed living.

I was wheeled through the corridor and down the elevator once again thru the maze of hallways. The staff is a bit confused today. Up in the elevator when we should have gone down, let me eat and drink without noticing the orders not to outside my door, and no robe or slippers. I am so trusting that there is no human error in the hospital, that it feels more like home where I make the choices. Redying for the MRI scan the radiologist, Ben (from Ethiopia) hands me earplugs with the ends twisted. "Put the twisted end in first" he said (I was trying to stuff the expanded end in, but the plug expands once inserted-new technique you old concert goes might want to try.) Then I was arrange like the swaddled baby I saw in the movie "Babies" that I saw with my sister the night before last-or a mummy, but I preferred to think of a comforted baby rather than dead mummy. I haven't done a head MRI before. They put a helmet on you and run you into a cript! At least I didn't have to raise my hands over my head for an hour. The scan was supposed to take 10 minutes and I left Sean, Erica and Dan in my room for a quick minute while I went down the hall. Enroute I joked with the nurse who transported me as he explained that many people are clostrophobic inside the scanning tube-was I clostrophobic? did I want some drugs-ativan-to relax me? The technitian said "oh no, all my scans are at least a half hour do you want some music? "Affirmative, how about classical?" I got earphones and the drawer began to move me into the tube that would do the scan. I closed my eyes and waited for the music. I went back and forth in my mind from swadled babies to fox holes in Vietnam and corpse storage boxes or the old memory of my brother closing me in a suitcase and snapping shut the metal closures. It seemed like hours before the music started-good, at least I hadn't been forgotten, but shouldn't I be coming out? Another 10 minutes and the banging and blaring (like a prisoner on a metal barge-communicating by morse code of hitting a rock against the metal, or sometimes the sounding of a blasting train horn) ceased and the drawer was moving again. An hour later, the nurse would come to get me again because the scanner was broken and I had to repeat the experience (only a short 10 minutes this time). "You have got to be joking!" I know! I couldn't believe it either! What we do for the advancement of science...

Hotel Swedish

We have moved back to the waterfront. It has such a calming effect on me. I love watching the lights shimmer in columns across the open expanse like golden paths beckoning me to cross. This morning I awoke to see a glimpse of pink that morphed into sherbet pink and orange softness as the sun rose and highlighted Mt. Rainier in her full majesty. Surely a good omen for the surgery that followed.

7:30 am and I was scrubbing down with Hibiclens and rinsing in the warm shower. Nothing to eat or drink, then off to wait for the removal of a growing lump in my vaginal canal. Darn this cancer! So glad to be able to surgically remove it verses chemotherapy and all the side effects that creep into my life afterwards.

8:00 am I am checking in and a caffeinated woman, obviously in a hurry, approaches the desk for information. I wave her in front of me. She is from Port Townsend and has been up since very early morning. Her sister is scheduled to have her baby "turned intravenously" this morning and they are lost in the big city-could she get directions? Veins and vaginal canals...have we new techniques since I was pregnant? This is just sci-fi!
I arrive at my waiting bed; my name and my Dr's name on a card at the footboard. The bed looks as if there is a skinny child underneath the blankets and the top blanket moves slowly. The nurse turns down the bed to reveal a baffeled air blanket heated with warm air. I snuggle down inside and wait, warm as a bug in a rug.
The waiting is always reveling and interesting. The woman next to me is getting an epidural, and my mind goes to birthing days and my grandchild's eminent birth this March. My port is accessed so that they can give me drugs and saline for hydration during and following the surgery. My mind is flashing photos of the chaos and destruction in Haiti. Hurting children, bleeding men and women, missing limbs-no anesthesia, no warm blankets, dirty environment, scared and hungry. I feel so comfortable and confident that I am in good hands. How lucky am I?
11:00 am Finally I am speaking with the anesthesiologist and asking for less narcotics in the general anesthesia they are giving me so that I am not nauseous coming out of the haze.
1:30 PM I am waking up. Things have gone well and as planned. I will reschedule with the Dr tomorrow, but surgery lasted 1.5 hrs as anticipated, so I assume no complications.

Home feels great and I am hungry. Bonnie came down and brought corn chowder at my request. Funny since I have always told her that corn chowder looks disgusting when you are in recovery since it is looks like barf, but I am NOT naseaus and I am hungry and it tastes great. She is good to me. The tulips she brought the night before are now cascading over like a fountain of beauty. Life is good.

Take it to the top

My long time friend, Val, invited me to attend her 50th birthday party. Granted she is younger than I and challenges me to go to higher levels, but this was a grand way to enter the new year. I had just finished my latest round of chemo on Friday and the party was on Wed. and it would have been easy to bow out since we were setting off on our trip to California, but I took the challenge to snowshoe up the ski slope. Wes offered to be my Sherpa and carry my skies up the mountain for me so that the trip down would be effortless. The day arrived and yes, it was sunny but it was also 19 degrees out. We arrived at Val's house for oatmeal and libations and I found out that many had decided it was too cold, or they had to work, or it was too much of a challenge. I felt vibrant and well to make the trek. There were 11 of us in the end that had the freedom to abandon the working world and go to further heights and we were the recipients of God's beauty and stillness at the top. The report in the morning paper had read "cloudy with a chance of fun". The reached Grand Junction at the top and it was bright and beautiful. We popped champagne corks and mulled wine and out came the cake and balloons and we played games like the kids that we all are with wild abandon and forgot our troubles and worries for a fleeting day. We summited. I challenge you to be make the most of your days and I promise you will find beauty. Thanks Val for turning 50 and still teaching me to find the child within.