I have been contemplating the meaning of love from many different perspectives since the diagnosis. One day I am talking wedding vows with my daughter and future son-in-law, the next day I am talking about sex over 50 with my girlfriends, or nurturing a baby after helping Erica nanny. It has been a wild ride.
When I go back to the baby love, the unconditional love discussion comes back into play. I remember an unconsolable baby and slam dunking him into the crib or passing him off to someone who was better able to have patience with him, then I think about how much better that was than having to deal with a crack baby or what adopted parents must go through. Go to Child Haven and spend some time rocking and caring for babies that have Mothers who cannot take care of them. It makes you appreciate life and what you have. Our councelor at Swedish Center suggested volunteer somewhere. After much thought and reflection, the reality of volunteering does help you see the love we take for granted. There is always someone who is worse off than you who needs your love and affection.
The wedding planner gets to revisit another stage of love. My mother asked me to write 10 reasons why I was marrying Steve, and it made me think about the depth of each of my responses, which at age 21 seemed rather shallow at first thought. I lost those responses (I knew you would ask), but the ones I retained were the volunteer ones that Steve wrote for me. I review them when I wonder what we had in common then that are still there to grow on after 30 years. I have asked Erica and Dan to write their 10 reasons...are they deep enough to last a lifetime?
The girl's nite out makes me reflect on love after 50...life after the kids are out of the nest, or perhaps not...divorce, vasectomies, menopause, hot flashes, sleeping and work schedules, and the irritating habits that have persisted or developed after so many years that we cannot cope with. Such is the imputus of stress and ailments. We have to slow down, go back to baby state when we loved ourselves. I have discovered at this stage we need to love ourselves once again before we can possibly love others. THEN we are to reach out and love our neighbor as ourself. Slowing down, taking time to love myself is what this cancer has done for me.
There are volumes that could be writen from these simple thoughts, but perhaps something in the brevity creates your own story and you will use it constructively to begin to balance or heal your own life. The ripple effect is amazingly strong.
Someone from the next generation needs to add the next paragraph-I love the stories that you tell! God has planted me next to old folks who add so much to my life.
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Half way there
If I am to go the minimum number of treatments, then I am half way there! I will be going in for a new CT scan next week to actually see the shrinkage of the tumors. Meanwhile, I have an up and coming run/walk that is energizing just by the sheer numbers who have decided to take up the challenge and walk or run for this cause and in support of ME! (Marsha Rivkin Summer Run for Ovarian Cancer-Team Sussex-for those of you who still want to sign up or donate). Thank you everyone and I am looking forward to celebrating with you all. We will be meeting at 6:45am this coming Sunday am at the MI Presbyterian Church where we will be carpooling if you want to join us last minute. I am doing yoga, walking, and swimming in preparation, and am looking forward to meeting other survivors who will be wearing blue shirts. It is amazing the amount of energy a group with a cause can create.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Sail Away
I am getting back on track at work, making phone calls, catching up with people, reading my emails, checking things off my to-do list, and generally feeling great. My cousin arrived from Chicago yesterday and my 2 brothers, their wives, my sister, and most all the cousins arrived at the Casita for dinner and yes, Margaritas! My cousin hasn't been in town since my Dad died almost 15 years ago-where does the time go? We all sat around talking about our youth and some of the crazy things that we did as kids. We laughed and all pitched in on preparing dinner and cleaning up afterwards. Aren't family reunions the best-I even crash other peoples' family reunions whenever I can cause they are so great-thanks Tamblyns for the Camp Patton invite-we should all have more of them.
I got a reminder call this morning that I was signed up to attend a clock hour class in Issaquah tomorrow (we have to take continuing education classes to renew our license and the renewal is approaching). The class was free if I attend, and the subject was technology and I can never keep up with that, plus there is a free lunch! If I wait until the deadline, I will inevitably miss some critical business because I will have to take an intensive week off to accomplish the clock hour requirement. But I worked today, I had a dentist appointment I needed to go to, and I missed the entire day with my cousin. The good thing was that I stayed out of the heat and did accomplish some things.
My brother is 2 years younger than I and when he turned 40 we nearly lost him to a sudden heart attack on New Years Day. It changed his life. He walks every day. He altered his diet, and he retired last year. He sails alot. Didn't I learn anything?
I could go to the class tomorrow, or I could play hooky and go sailing with my brother and my cousin. If you call and I don't answer, leave me a message. I will be out sailing.
I got a reminder call this morning that I was signed up to attend a clock hour class in Issaquah tomorrow (we have to take continuing education classes to renew our license and the renewal is approaching). The class was free if I attend, and the subject was technology and I can never keep up with that, plus there is a free lunch! If I wait until the deadline, I will inevitably miss some critical business because I will have to take an intensive week off to accomplish the clock hour requirement. But I worked today, I had a dentist appointment I needed to go to, and I missed the entire day with my cousin. The good thing was that I stayed out of the heat and did accomplish some things.
My brother is 2 years younger than I and when he turned 40 we nearly lost him to a sudden heart attack on New Years Day. It changed his life. He walks every day. He altered his diet, and he retired last year. He sails alot. Didn't I learn anything?
I could go to the class tomorrow, or I could play hooky and go sailing with my brother and my cousin. If you call and I don't answer, leave me a message. I will be out sailing.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Anticipation
My 3rd chemo treatment is quickly approaching, this Friday the 13th. Good thing I am not superstitious. I am feeling stronger every day and I am sure it is thanks to all of you out there who are praying for me, encouraging me, and helping me every step of the way-Thank you, thank you, thank you....
My friend and fellow church goer, Kristin Salerno offered me "Reike" at her house, a Japanese originated hands on healing technique. I could not turn her down. She first presented me with an eagle feather that she told me she had scouted for me the day before as she prepared for the session. It was a juvenille feather, and smaller than she had hoped for, but perhaps, since she hadn't read my blog yet she didn't know how appropriate the juvenille feather actually was. I have been retreating to childhood in many ways since the diagnosis-letting others take care of me, mindlessly eating or rejecting food offered to me without thinking about it, deligating tasks that I otherwise would have been strong doing, basically learning to walk again... She explained that she felt the eagle, a strong bird represened me, with fluffy, weak feathering at the base of the feather, and stiff, strong feathering at the tip. I had actually been watching 2 juvenille eagles play only the night before from the casita as they fished just off shore in front of us. I am always in awe of the power and beauty of those birds. I had gone to sleep thinking of the wings lifting me along my journey when I needed help soaring above it all. Kristin was in sync with my thinking that evening.
The session lastest over an hour with very relaxing music, and light hand placement on various parts of my body. I lay face up, and with eyes closed nearly drifting off to sleep-my body was begging for a massage, but the mind went there without intrusions of physical pressure. It was a beautiful gift.
My friend and fellow church goer, Kristin Salerno offered me "Reike" at her house, a Japanese originated hands on healing technique. I could not turn her down. She first presented me with an eagle feather that she told me she had scouted for me the day before as she prepared for the session. It was a juvenille feather, and smaller than she had hoped for, but perhaps, since she hadn't read my blog yet she didn't know how appropriate the juvenille feather actually was. I have been retreating to childhood in many ways since the diagnosis-letting others take care of me, mindlessly eating or rejecting food offered to me without thinking about it, deligating tasks that I otherwise would have been strong doing, basically learning to walk again... She explained that she felt the eagle, a strong bird represened me, with fluffy, weak feathering at the base of the feather, and stiff, strong feathering at the tip. I had actually been watching 2 juvenille eagles play only the night before from the casita as they fished just off shore in front of us. I am always in awe of the power and beauty of those birds. I had gone to sleep thinking of the wings lifting me along my journey when I needed help soaring above it all. Kristin was in sync with my thinking that evening.
The session lastest over an hour with very relaxing music, and light hand placement on various parts of my body. I lay face up, and with eyes closed nearly drifting off to sleep-my body was begging for a massage, but the mind went there without intrusions of physical pressure. It was a beautiful gift.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Wind in your hair
Last Saturday Erica was running the garage sale again. Mike Backes came cruising by on his Harley to give me a ride. It was back to the High school days when I was "Motorcycle Mama". The ride was even more comfortable since there was a seat on the back with a backrest, and I had a helmet-it didn't used to be the law that you had to wear a helmet and I loved the wind in my hair. Saturday I had no hair and my head would have either gotten sunburned, or chilled, or both if I didn't have that awesome helmet that made me look so cool. We cruised to Alki beach and visited Jean and Roland at their beachfront house. On the ride home we took the beach strip route where I must have counted a dozen Harleys. As they passed they gave us the special low five wave saved for other Harley drivers. Good thing it wasn't this week when the Seafair Pirates landed and traffic was at a standstill.
I had been listening (and singing along, I admit) to the title track "Live like you are dying". In the past that song makes me cry, and now so even more, but I love it anyway. In the song, a son asks his father what he did when he received the diagnosis that he was dying, and his father answers-"I went sky diving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu. And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying. And I hope you get the chance to live like you are dying."
The song and the Harley ride were just the ticket to make the day even more beautiful...thanks Mike for taking me away.
I had been listening (and singing along, I admit) to the title track "Live like you are dying". In the past that song makes me cry, and now so even more, but I love it anyway. In the song, a son asks his father what he did when he received the diagnosis that he was dying, and his father answers-"I went sky diving, I went Rocky Mountain climbing, I went 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fu Manchu. And I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I'd been denying. And I hope you get the chance to live like you are dying."
The song and the Harley ride were just the ticket to make the day even more beautiful...thanks Mike for taking me away.
Sleepless in Seattle
I got up to post another blog entry and both kids were still out. Isn't it funny how we take our sleep for granted when we get it, and when we cannot sleep, it is when we need to most.
I watched the Planet Earth concert on TV just before bed. It is amazing to see how people all over the world can come together over world issues through concerts-everybodys music singing the same message and making a difference for all of us. Change our light bulbs to energy saving ones, drive fuel efficient cars, or carpool, or don't drive-ride the bus, use your own grocery bags when you buy small items at the store, don't use plastic, recycle, use cloth diapers (remember the days)...just one small effort makes a worldly difference. Thought I would pass the message on to those of you who weren't watching TV, because I think we all tend to go back to the easy way and forget the smallest things.
I watched the Planet Earth concert on TV just before bed. It is amazing to see how people all over the world can come together over world issues through concerts-everybodys music singing the same message and making a difference for all of us. Change our light bulbs to energy saving ones, drive fuel efficient cars, or carpool, or don't drive-ride the bus, use your own grocery bags when you buy small items at the store, don't use plastic, recycle, use cloth diapers (remember the days)...just one small effort makes a worldly difference. Thought I would pass the message on to those of you who weren't watching TV, because I think we all tend to go back to the easy way and forget the smallest things.
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Unconditional Love
As long as the earth exists there will be rain followed by sun. It is required so that life can sustain itself. Some life is more tolerant of drought and thrives in the desert but planted in the wrong climate, shrivels and dies. When tended to by the gardener, any plant can be sustained and even thrive where planted. Such is love...
Two months ago my partner, Bonnie's mother died. After 7 years of lock-down in an Alzheimer's facility she never wished to go to, she was ultimately moved to a home in a neighborhood to a room with a view of Lake Washington. At that point she didn't have the energy to escape the building so her care was somewhat easier, but lack of mobility and enthusiasm for life made care giving difficult at the same time.
For the 7 years and a few preceding the move I witnessed the unconditional love that Bonnie had for her mother even though she denied such love could exist. I would go with Bonnie to visit her mother, Patricia, on occasion and watch as they greeted each other. Pat was angry at being there and seemed to need a scapegoat. Bonnie received hurtful and angry comments, when I could draw out conversations of traveling days and fun adventures in snippets of seemingly unrelated conversations, yet Bonnie continued to visit and love her mother as she remembered the fun person her mother had been, with the slow realization that we are a part of that person-that has gifted us life.
One Seattle morning the sun broke out of the clouds. Bonnie called me and said Pat was "going" and she didn't know what to do. The urge to call for help was strong but we knew it was time to let nature take it's course, and that that was exactly what Pat had wished for. Nonetheless at the final hour it is hard for those left to say goodbye regardless of how much time we have to prepare for that earthly departure. I raced up to her with Bonnie. The hospital nurse was trying to get pain killer medicine but there was too much paperwork left undone so we sat at Pat's bedside and talked as bubbles seeped from the oxygen hose attached to Pat's nose. Pat's brow was tense and furrowed, her eyes had a worried expression. "Call your sister, Bonnie" - "She needs to be here", "Your children are all here-they are coming to see you", I said to Pat. "No, Laurie can't get here, she is in Louisiana", Bonnie retorted. I waived my hand to shush her. "You are going on a trip, a journey, are you ready?" Her brow softened, "Bonnie, do you have any music your mom likes we could get" I was thinking about things that would help me relax and melt away to a different place...No, we couldn't think about those details now. "Where would you like to go now?" "It's ok to go." I said. The pain and tenseness left and we watched an incredible peace come over Pat's body as her spirit departed that sunny day. The transformation was freeing and beautiful as we realized the body is just a vehicle for the living spirit that left on that journey she had been longing to take.
Two months ago my partner, Bonnie's mother died. After 7 years of lock-down in an Alzheimer's facility she never wished to go to, she was ultimately moved to a home in a neighborhood to a room with a view of Lake Washington. At that point she didn't have the energy to escape the building so her care was somewhat easier, but lack of mobility and enthusiasm for life made care giving difficult at the same time.
For the 7 years and a few preceding the move I witnessed the unconditional love that Bonnie had for her mother even though she denied such love could exist. I would go with Bonnie to visit her mother, Patricia, on occasion and watch as they greeted each other. Pat was angry at being there and seemed to need a scapegoat. Bonnie received hurtful and angry comments, when I could draw out conversations of traveling days and fun adventures in snippets of seemingly unrelated conversations, yet Bonnie continued to visit and love her mother as she remembered the fun person her mother had been, with the slow realization that we are a part of that person-that has gifted us life.
One Seattle morning the sun broke out of the clouds. Bonnie called me and said Pat was "going" and she didn't know what to do. The urge to call for help was strong but we knew it was time to let nature take it's course, and that that was exactly what Pat had wished for. Nonetheless at the final hour it is hard for those left to say goodbye regardless of how much time we have to prepare for that earthly departure. I raced up to her with Bonnie. The hospital nurse was trying to get pain killer medicine but there was too much paperwork left undone so we sat at Pat's bedside and talked as bubbles seeped from the oxygen hose attached to Pat's nose. Pat's brow was tense and furrowed, her eyes had a worried expression. "Call your sister, Bonnie" - "She needs to be here", "Your children are all here-they are coming to see you", I said to Pat. "No, Laurie can't get here, she is in Louisiana", Bonnie retorted. I waived my hand to shush her. "You are going on a trip, a journey, are you ready?" Her brow softened, "Bonnie, do you have any music your mom likes we could get" I was thinking about things that would help me relax and melt away to a different place...No, we couldn't think about those details now. "Where would you like to go now?" "It's ok to go." I said. The pain and tenseness left and we watched an incredible peace come over Pat's body as her spirit departed that sunny day. The transformation was freeing and beautiful as we realized the body is just a vehicle for the living spirit that left on that journey she had been longing to take.
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