The other day, Susan delivered a huge bag full of limes from a party she had catered where limes were used as decoration. One can only cut up so many for your Coronas, and I still had a juicer that I hadn't used yet, so Margarita party it was! Planning last minute is a favorite of mine, but that also means that sometimes people don't get the message, or have made other plans. Wednesday I mentioned it some party friends I have who are always up for a Margarita, and then Karen called from my masters' swimmer group, and volunteered to email the group on my behalf, so the event was bound to happen but not telling how many would show up...
It rained off and on all day and I scrounged for my special recipe for Margaritas at the last minute, but Andy and Lynn showed up just as I was finalizing the concoction (fortunately since Andy had to run to the grocery store for me) and running down to see who would show up. Happy Hour it was!!! The sun came out and so did the double rainbow. We had just enough guests to do some good damage to the lime juice supply, and not too many to need a tent outside to house people. The Casita is simply a special place where wonderful memories are made. Thanks for celebrating the day with us-all you who made it. Those who didn't get the invite, or missed the event-there is still lime juice and more summer on the way. Stay posted.
Saturday, June 30, 2007
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Anorexia
Anorexia is defined as having a lack of appetite, so I guess I qualify for that one the day following chemo, and for up to 5 days after if subsequent chemo treatments are like the 1st. The 1st go round, I lost about 10 lbs which I didn't think was all bad, yet others seem to be overly concerned and try to get me to eat when I don't feel like it. How many times have I tried diets in the past only to find my body just seems to settle out at a certain weight in the end just because that corresponds to how balanced my life is at the time, and what issues I am dealing with. We certainly are obsessed with weight issues but most of that ends up to being how much we love ourselves just the way we are.
I don't love myself when I am sick. I feel dependant on others to do the household things that make the place run smoothly. I am easily irritated by dirty dishes in the sink, the dog begging because she hasn't been fed-or just because she has become accustomed to eating off our plates since we don't sit down at the dinner table together because our schedules are so sporadic, laundry sitting around, and just a lot of clutter in the house. Perhaps that all makes it easier to just go to bed and convalesce.
Today the sun came out and warmed up the place! Earl called to ask how I was doing-he is my old friend who is now everyone's personal trainer because he is so upbeat and fit-fun to work out with and fun to look at. He was working Laura, a 15 year old girl who on her last day of school who was working hard to train for soccer so that she could better herself. I made Sean come with me since he has nearly given up workouts since hanging up his speedo, and taking to sleeping in after party nites out. We watched the workout, enjoyed the sun, and walked twice around the track-this was after I nearly passed out this morning before taking my antinasea meds and not eating. I have decided to listen to my body and recover faster by trying a bit harder-mind over matter. It really works. Earl took us out to eat at The Islander and it was great to see a party on the deck and all those smiling faces. Brenda Paull and Susan Kaplan (my Dr's wife) were at the restaurant! We talked about what it takes to be a great athelete, the dedication, the perseverance. Natural talent can only get you so far, then it comes to mental discipline. I am so lucky to have such a great support team and the physical abilities that I have.
No lack of appetite here! Balance is the key.
I don't love myself when I am sick. I feel dependant on others to do the household things that make the place run smoothly. I am easily irritated by dirty dishes in the sink, the dog begging because she hasn't been fed-or just because she has become accustomed to eating off our plates since we don't sit down at the dinner table together because our schedules are so sporadic, laundry sitting around, and just a lot of clutter in the house. Perhaps that all makes it easier to just go to bed and convalesce.
Today the sun came out and warmed up the place! Earl called to ask how I was doing-he is my old friend who is now everyone's personal trainer because he is so upbeat and fit-fun to work out with and fun to look at. He was working Laura, a 15 year old girl who on her last day of school who was working hard to train for soccer so that she could better herself. I made Sean come with me since he has nearly given up workouts since hanging up his speedo, and taking to sleeping in after party nites out. We watched the workout, enjoyed the sun, and walked twice around the track-this was after I nearly passed out this morning before taking my antinasea meds and not eating. I have decided to listen to my body and recover faster by trying a bit harder-mind over matter. It really works. Earl took us out to eat at The Islander and it was great to see a party on the deck and all those smiling faces. Brenda Paull and Susan Kaplan (my Dr's wife) were at the restaurant! We talked about what it takes to be a great athelete, the dedication, the perseverance. Natural talent can only get you so far, then it comes to mental discipline. I am so lucky to have such a great support team and the physical abilities that I have.
No lack of appetite here! Balance is the key.
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Baldy
My computer has a virus so it is too tired to let me even check my email. Robin, are you out there to rescue me?
Steve and Sean shaved my shedding head last Thursday just before my Friday chemo treatment. Erica videotaped. It was a freeing experience and I am having fun with my new looks (I have a few wigs and a huge amount of scarfs and hats, so you might not recoginize me).
My Dr appt went really well. The blood counts are good, and the tumors appear to be shrinking. I have regained a bit of my smell (which I have been without for many years now) and my wart on my toe is gone also. There are a few side benefits to chemo!
Erica is busy being a nanny and also joining efforts with me in the Real Estate business. She has been a tremendous help.
Sean is looking for some pool time somewhere where he might be able to give private swim lessons so if you know of anyone with a good facility (private or club) that has openings, let us know. He is also looking into commercial real estate and enjoying interviewing with those in the industry-thanks all you friends out there with that background.
Steve has been working hard with Sean to move tons of dirt at the Casita for our new landscape plan that need to be implemented for permits on our dock and bulkhead approval.
All in all, our household is very busy at the present and running both fast and slow. Balance is key.
Steve and Sean shaved my shedding head last Thursday just before my Friday chemo treatment. Erica videotaped. It was a freeing experience and I am having fun with my new looks (I have a few wigs and a huge amount of scarfs and hats, so you might not recoginize me).
My Dr appt went really well. The blood counts are good, and the tumors appear to be shrinking. I have regained a bit of my smell (which I have been without for many years now) and my wart on my toe is gone also. There are a few side benefits to chemo!
Erica is busy being a nanny and also joining efforts with me in the Real Estate business. She has been a tremendous help.
Sean is looking for some pool time somewhere where he might be able to give private swim lessons so if you know of anyone with a good facility (private or club) that has openings, let us know. He is also looking into commercial real estate and enjoying interviewing with those in the industry-thanks all you friends out there with that background.
Steve has been working hard with Sean to move tons of dirt at the Casita for our new landscape plan that need to be implemented for permits on our dock and bulkhead approval.
All in all, our household is very busy at the present and running both fast and slow. Balance is key.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Port Townsend
Steve and I backed out of Mercer Island to a slower pace after settling banking affairs, rental closure, office meeting with Erica in matching Pink Polo striped shirts (mini me), and smoothie for the road. Pulling up to the ferry we tailgated a truck carrying a ragged green sectional tied precariously in the back of their pick-up. I made a mental note that we were escaping fashion town to a Hippie existence in an artsy town with meager existence-so close to city yet so laid back and relaxed-Pt. Townsend (2 hours drive, ferry ride and over Hood Canal Bridge-a beautiful drive-I wonder how many Mercer Islanders have never ventured so far). I looked up. Steve had gotten out of the car and was talking to the truck driver-"Kerry, look who it is!" Doug and Patrick Rigby and our ole friend Bronx, their trusty black lab! They were off to Port Townsend too where Patrick would be staying whilst managing a building project. We caught up on the ferry ride and visited the construction site when we got into town. The sun was out and the air was beginning to warm up and I could feel the stress of the day melt away as we crossed the sound and watched the seagulls play and float on the air currents alongside the ferry. Both Mt. Rainier and Mt Baker were snow capped and out majestically and everyone had a relaxed smile on their face. They were leaving city life. The pace was slowing and I was on recharge.
We checked into The Tides Inn-a new addition to the waterfront hotel made famous in the movie "Officer and a Gentleman". Our room was complete with gas fireplace, glass framed balcony overlooking the vast sound and sailboats moored in the harbor. The bathroom had a huge jetted tub and my favorite-a heated toilet seat with bidet-fridge and microwave-we could just hunker down here. With energy to burn, we set out to get some lunch and tour the artsy shops along Water Street. The Mad Hatter was beconning me as my hair needed anchoring-it is coming out by the brushful and easily pulled out if I run my fingers through-can I keep this up just a few more days? a week? I wore my hat to dinner as the wind had tosseled my hair and I didn't want to brush it again for fear of loosing all my bangs or making a big bald spot. I vowed to return for a fancy hat and perhaps scarf to match as momento of the trip. We drove to the beach and walked through the garden trellis covered with roses-I thought a perfect place for a wedding even an outdoor gazebo and covered picnic area.
The trail lead to the beach and we combed the beach for white pebbles. Steve wanted only the purest white pebbles but many were hiding black spots or imperfections when you picked them up. I commented that they reminded me of the worry stones that people had gifted me for my pocket that had messages or symbols on them "believe", "trust", and angel, or peace sign. We decided that we would collect as many as possible on each trip to the beach and let supporters choose one for their pocket to remind them to pray each time they felt the rock in their pocket. The tide was out and children speckled the beach laughing and playing in the sand. The sound of laughing children is always music to the soul. We drove through Ft Warden park and memories of adventures with my own children flooded my mind.
I called Debbie and asked her where to eat since she lived in Pt. Townsend many years in the days our oldest children were babies together. They owned the Four Corners grocery and gas station on the way into town-still there today mostly unchanged over time. The work was hard, the salary meager, the lifestyle slow and laid back. We had been to folk life festivals and toured Victorian mansions. Great memories of days gone by... Deb told us not to miss Silverwater Cafe. We found it and had the best home cooked meal in an old historic building just off Water Street. We even had desert-blackberry pie ala mode. Then back to our room for a peaceful wind down ready for another beautiful day sunny day. Looking into the loving eyes of my devoted, but devastated husband, with no cares or worries for the moment,we vowed to escape and recharge before each monthly chemo.
We checked into The Tides Inn-a new addition to the waterfront hotel made famous in the movie "Officer and a Gentleman". Our room was complete with gas fireplace, glass framed balcony overlooking the vast sound and sailboats moored in the harbor. The bathroom had a huge jetted tub and my favorite-a heated toilet seat with bidet-fridge and microwave-we could just hunker down here. With energy to burn, we set out to get some lunch and tour the artsy shops along Water Street. The Mad Hatter was beconning me as my hair needed anchoring-it is coming out by the brushful and easily pulled out if I run my fingers through-can I keep this up just a few more days? a week? I wore my hat to dinner as the wind had tosseled my hair and I didn't want to brush it again for fear of loosing all my bangs or making a big bald spot. I vowed to return for a fancy hat and perhaps scarf to match as momento of the trip. We drove to the beach and walked through the garden trellis covered with roses-I thought a perfect place for a wedding even an outdoor gazebo and covered picnic area.
The trail lead to the beach and we combed the beach for white pebbles. Steve wanted only the purest white pebbles but many were hiding black spots or imperfections when you picked them up. I commented that they reminded me of the worry stones that people had gifted me for my pocket that had messages or symbols on them "believe", "trust", and angel, or peace sign. We decided that we would collect as many as possible on each trip to the beach and let supporters choose one for their pocket to remind them to pray each time they felt the rock in their pocket. The tide was out and children speckled the beach laughing and playing in the sand. The sound of laughing children is always music to the soul. We drove through Ft Warden park and memories of adventures with my own children flooded my mind.
I called Debbie and asked her where to eat since she lived in Pt. Townsend many years in the days our oldest children were babies together. They owned the Four Corners grocery and gas station on the way into town-still there today mostly unchanged over time. The work was hard, the salary meager, the lifestyle slow and laid back. We had been to folk life festivals and toured Victorian mansions. Great memories of days gone by... Deb told us not to miss Silverwater Cafe. We found it and had the best home cooked meal in an old historic building just off Water Street. We even had desert-blackberry pie ala mode. Then back to our room for a peaceful wind down ready for another beautiful day sunny day. Looking into the loving eyes of my devoted, but devastated husband, with no cares or worries for the moment,we vowed to escape and recharge before each monthly chemo.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Links
Isn't it funny how you can pop from one thought or message to another by the connection of just one word. We do it all the time on the computer now. It can take us on quite a journey if we let it. Positive thoughts or negative thoughts, we can spiral out of control. It can be healing or debilitating.
I have a friend who was delivered the death sentence about the same time as I was given hope of survival. Most likely the same odds, just a different delivery of the message-you have cancer. I hope I get the opportunity to walk and talk with her so she can know there is hope in each day of our lives, no matter how long we have on this earth. Who tells you how long you have on this earth? Don't miracles happen every minute?
I have a friend who was delivered the death sentence about the same time as I was given hope of survival. Most likely the same odds, just a different delivery of the message-you have cancer. I hope I get the opportunity to walk and talk with her so she can know there is hope in each day of our lives, no matter how long we have on this earth. Who tells you how long you have on this earth? Don't miracles happen every minute?
Spirit
I awoke sweating and moved the snuggley leopard blanket I had been gifted off my bare shoulder. Through the open window a cool breeze blew across my overheated body. Now that I am healing and feeling stronger daily I have begun to fill my calendar with activities once again. Dinner out, Father's Day barbeque, card making session, birthday celebration, doctor appointments, house showing tour (yes, I am working)-moments that create memories. I am restless because I agreed to retreat with Steve this week to the Olympic Penninsula where I find respit from the busyness and beauty from new surroundings that keep a slower pace, and I have over booked my calendar. Can I be somewhere else in spirit?
I think about the days immediately after my Mother departed this world and how I talked to her aloud and could feel her anwer me if I would just quiet myself and listen. Her spirit was still close by. I wondered how I would ever get beyond the hurt of being left behind.
I watched "Dream Girls" and last nite a documentary on Jimmy (I cannot even remember his name-help me out here) a spirited African American man who was just beginning to get some recognition for his songs in the late 60's, when his life was cut short in a car accident in Illinois. His blues songs are still being sung today by popular bands (similar to the dream girls who needed a pretty face, or white band to get their lyics out to the greater population). The spirit moves you. The spirit lives.
I think about the days immediately after my Mother departed this world and how I talked to her aloud and could feel her anwer me if I would just quiet myself and listen. Her spirit was still close by. I wondered how I would ever get beyond the hurt of being left behind.
I watched "Dream Girls" and last nite a documentary on Jimmy (I cannot even remember his name-help me out here) a spirited African American man who was just beginning to get some recognition for his songs in the late 60's, when his life was cut short in a car accident in Illinois. His blues songs are still being sung today by popular bands (similar to the dream girls who needed a pretty face, or white band to get their lyics out to the greater population). The spirit moves you. The spirit lives.
Beauty and Grace
Last year I attended a women's retreat given by my church. It was once again in the foothills of the mountains in North Bend, a beautiful wooded retreat center with truely spirit filled grounds, waterfalls, fish pond, trails through the woods, old growth trees, and mountains. We were given a pad of paper to ponder the lessons of the weekend; one to wake up to and fill out daily. I found it recently and began to fill it out once again.
I am grateful for...
I lift up....
Acts of Grace ...
I need only open my eyes and my heart for the answer I am sure, but I see it as kind of a serendipity from the Universe. Hey you out there, what acts of grace have you seen today?
I am grateful for...
I lift up....
Acts of Grace ...
Moving towards balance...
I wondered the meaning of Grace.
I need only open my eyes and my heart for the answer I am sure, but I see it as kind of a serendipity from the Universe. Hey you out there, what acts of grace have you seen today?
Saturday, June 16, 2007
Wigs and receeding hairlines
My hair, as was expected, is beginning to fall out. The trash can and brush are full of hair. I am charging the video cam to document the event and planning how it will happen. Some things I still have control over. Sean has offered to do the actual shaving-a tradition that has seen many a swim team to their biggest meets (remember Frank when you sat in front of the entire High school while the kids shaved your head on a bet). A brave act.
I have had some fun trying on wigs with the kids that have come over to see me when their parents bring dinners. My rastafarian dreadlocks looked great on AJ! and Claire had fun becoming a blonde. I get to become a different new person and it will be an interesting chapter.
I have had some fun trying on wigs with the kids that have come over to see me when their parents bring dinners. My rastafarian dreadlocks looked great on AJ! and Claire had fun becoming a blonde. I get to become a different new person and it will be an interesting chapter.
Summer Run for Ovarian cancer
Check the comments on "Routines" as Erica has informed us all how to sign up, or donate to the cancer run that is July 22. I am training now and have jogged my first steps but am still a bit sore and tight in the abdomin area. Sharon Scott, fellow realtor who trained with me for the San Diego marathon in 2001, in my office, is also doing a triathalon in my honor in September and looking for donations, so you can do either if you are looking for ways to help the cause and support me too. Thanks ever so much for your continued outflow of love and well wishes. We can make this world a better place together. I love you all.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Routines
I have found that we develop routines to organize and prioritize our lives. This is a good thing, like the cleaning crew, it refreshes us and declutters the wasted time that diminishes the positive energies we could be spending doing something productive. Before cancer I had a working semiorganized routine that included waking up in the am, drinking my cup of coffee, working out (if I didn't get my own exercise done in the morning, I felt the effects of a sluggish body the rest of the day- Fitness First-right Dan?), doing Sudoku (now this one has been questioned as it sometimes can cause me great frustration and leave me in a bad mood early am, but mental activity is important to staying healthy, so find your own solution there), spending time with my husband, drinking Starbucks coffee and mostly driving around checking out the new Real Estate on the market and preparing for the rest of the day-my work, helping people transition to a new lifestyle.
After my surgery, my routines got turned upside down. Like anyone in crisis, I was in dispair, didn't know which way was up. Gradually, I return to those old comfort routines, but with new passion for life and renewed purpose with clarity about why these things have meaning-each breath is a gift, each day an opportunity to create a memory for both myself and someone else, make it a good one. Stay healthy.
After my surgery, my routines got turned upside down. Like anyone in crisis, I was in dispair, didn't know which way was up. Gradually, I return to those old comfort routines, but with new passion for life and renewed purpose with clarity about why these things have meaning-each breath is a gift, each day an opportunity to create a memory for both myself and someone else, make it a good one. Stay healthy.
PEO
A few of my Girl's Night Out friends and some of my female family members belong to an secret society called PEO. You ask them what PEO stands for and they cannot tell you! For years they tell of their meetings and some of the things they accomplish at their meetings, and you would be amazed what they come up with...everything from making scrapbook collections to sending underprivledged kids to foreign countries to learn about new cultures and religions. They talk about their accomplishments with passion and purpose and their enthusiasm makes you want to belong to this secret club. Once, I felt I was very close to being invited to join the folds of this secret club, but eluded that I didn't have very much time on my plate, and the invitation was never mentioned again. Something like another biblical story I am reminded of where the farmer loses out on life because he is too busy to attend a celebration because he has married a wife and bought a cow. Recently I had a revelation-the do good club was not a SECRET, it was just like every philanthropic organization in that you can start going and doing at ANY time of your life-whenever you figure out that giving is more divine than receiving. YOU are the recipient when you give. Didn't God give us that knowledge? "To give is more blessed than to receive"-I think there is an old biblical passage that says so (sorry, I cannot always remember scripture at this hour of the nite). Now with this recent diagnosis I am a recipient of showers of presents and giving. To this end I can attest. This is hard for me-being on the receiving end- as I have learned the old lesson many times. So PEO means Philanthropic, Educational Organization-giving, giving, giving-or a great Girls nite out group social-People Eating Out (as I was once told when I asked the meaning of PEO), but whatever-it is a woman's organization that meets regularly to better the world-they are always doing great things. So join one today-there are lots of clubs out there, Rotary, Lions Club, Church-Or start a new one yourself- and spread the good deeds. Pay it forward...
Monday, June 11, 2007
words of wisdom
Daily I search for words of wisdom and I recieve them from many sources. I get motivational quotes online, Unity prayers, friends calling and stopping by, books and tapes-keep them coming. Self talk is important and keeping it positive is imperative on a daily basis.
Yesterday was a great day physically. I walked with Erica, Steve, and Bailey, to QFC and back. It was great to start the day outside-the sun broke through cloudy skies and I knew it would be a good day. I shared my blog with a former football player, the one I had written "Quarterback" chapter for, and he gave me, in return, a newspaper article (hard to find good news in the paper these days, so when we do we clip and save) entitled "Life's great safari is facing your own fear", by Robert I. Jamieson Jr.. It seemed appropriate to share at graduation-
"Live your life with passionate intesity and do not waste time with petty frustrations.
Make a list of things you want to know or do and chase them by pushing yourself to the precarious edge of possibliity.
Strive to contribute to the world because none of us knows how much time is left on the clock."
Physical strength comes sporatically for me now, but yesterday I felt strong once again and went to Kirkland, my old Sunday stomping grounds where I traditionally rejuvinate with Deanne and Susan each Sunday am and run the shores of Lake Washington-yesterday I got a frozen yogurt-that is what recharges Erica! We had taken a whole month (at least) off, and it was great just to show up and see their faces (rule number 1 in rehab-just show up).
Hahn came at noon with her other son and brought spring rolls and soup as promised. We tried on our wigs again for her son and got a second laugh sharing our new looks.
Sean and girlfriend, Jamison, arrived home around 4pm after a long drive back from LA. It's great to have them here, safe and sound and smiling.
I ate all day long with wreckless abandon, and after finishing most of my dinner, stopped short, full to the top with the realization that I hadn't used any drugs to combat lack of appetite-in fact, I hadn't used any drugs all day-I just felt normal again! I am going to be strong for 2 weeks in between chemo treatments! I will be able to do anything, so God grant me wisdom to live each day passionately with a contribution to the world.
Yesterday was a great day physically. I walked with Erica, Steve, and Bailey, to QFC and back. It was great to start the day outside-the sun broke through cloudy skies and I knew it would be a good day. I shared my blog with a former football player, the one I had written "Quarterback" chapter for, and he gave me, in return, a newspaper article (hard to find good news in the paper these days, so when we do we clip and save) entitled "Life's great safari is facing your own fear", by Robert I. Jamieson Jr.. It seemed appropriate to share at graduation-
"Live your life with passionate intesity and do not waste time with petty frustrations.
Make a list of things you want to know or do and chase them by pushing yourself to the precarious edge of possibliity.
Strive to contribute to the world because none of us knows how much time is left on the clock."
Physical strength comes sporatically for me now, but yesterday I felt strong once again and went to Kirkland, my old Sunday stomping grounds where I traditionally rejuvinate with Deanne and Susan each Sunday am and run the shores of Lake Washington-yesterday I got a frozen yogurt-that is what recharges Erica! We had taken a whole month (at least) off, and it was great just to show up and see their faces (rule number 1 in rehab-just show up).
Hahn came at noon with her other son and brought spring rolls and soup as promised. We tried on our wigs again for her son and got a second laugh sharing our new looks.
Sean and girlfriend, Jamison, arrived home around 4pm after a long drive back from LA. It's great to have them here, safe and sound and smiling.
I ate all day long with wreckless abandon, and after finishing most of my dinner, stopped short, full to the top with the realization that I hadn't used any drugs to combat lack of appetite-in fact, I hadn't used any drugs all day-I just felt normal again! I am going to be strong for 2 weeks in between chemo treatments! I will be able to do anything, so God grant me wisdom to live each day passionately with a contribution to the world.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
A child's perspective
My children were only 4 and 6 years old, my Mother died of breast cancer. Judy Witmer, our dear friend and preschool teacher, gave us children's books to read to the kids to try to help them understand, and to open conversation. Some of my favorites; "I'll always Love You", "The Runnaway Rabbit", and "Mrs Rumphius". Mrs Rumphius was about a spinster who traveled the earth with many adventures, beauties, and aquaintences, who pondered, as we all do, the meaning of life. Her quest was to leave the world a better place and she struggled for many years to find how she was going to accomplish that simple task. She loved the flowers and how they made her feel when they bloom and began spredding seeds across the hillsides. We read lots of books, and I choked up many times and wondered how I could ever survive my Mother's death or even get out of bed the next morning. I routinely picked up Sean from preschool and hand in hand we walked down the road as we talked about Grandma's death. "I don't think you understand". "You will never see Grandma Nancy again", I said."Oh yes we will". he responded happily, "In Heaven". That day I began to heal.
The Port
Now that I have a port, vessels come and go unburdening their loads for me to sort and do with what I may.
Sitting in the lobby of the Doctor office we waited for our appointment. Tap tap tap, "excuse me". Erica thought that something was on her shoulder, but Svein was introducing himself as he waited for his next cat scan. "Don't drink my juice" he chided. "Oh, I won't take your stuff", "I didn't notice you there". What a wonderful, humorous way to introduce yourself. What a great attitude! We all wanted to get to know this man and what he was up to. He went on to say he was from Denmark but now living in Phinney Ridge. A loner, he delivered fish on his bicycle in Denmark back home for a year, making a simple living and meeting folk along the way. We took his number, vowed to see him again, and went to our appointment.
I talked with my tennant the other day and his son was MIA from school. He is a single father trying hard to start a new life on Mercer Island, newly moved here from Idaho, a gutsy move to try to better his own life and start over. I had assured him that there was no better place than Mercer Island to raise his boys that he had just received custody of. That was 2 years ago, and now things were not going as planned. How will the community respond? Who does he connect with who will be the eyes in back of his head, helping him keep track of his son? Does he think that society has let him down? He is trying to start his own construction business, just developing his skills of the trade, and balance raising his boys and enjoying life.
Erica and I went downtown to an appointment with the Immigrations attorney who had been referred us (thank you Catherine Meyer and Sharon Pollack, and Dave Shiffrin-for getting us to this point). Who you know is so important in life. You only need ask for help, and God will show you the way. Dream big, and pray for the results. The mantra is working. We must now apply for a tourist visa in order for Dan to get over here stat. Any other venue would delay his arrival. I phone Dan to let him know that his status is now tourist, start drilling that into his head, the rest will play out later. We have had issue in the past with wrong message being accidentally jokingly communicated to governmental agencies. Since 911 you have to watch out who gets into this country and no joke is tollerated at customs. What is unfolding here? We learned that Erica had to file her income tax from her work in Australia, so we went across the street to the Federal building to get forms to update her status and ready to sponsor Dan. She has to make more than poverty level in order to sponsor Dan. We pray for a deal, we get an opportunity to present an offer the very next day. God again answers our prayers.
At the Federal Building, I see a girl who appears mental disabled, our eyes connect, and I ask "Do you live on Mercer Island?" "NO, I can't talk to strangers" she replys, a scared look on her face. I back off and continue on down the hall toward the IRS office. She turns and yells down the hall, "I can't talk to strangers, my Mother told me not to talk to strangers, I can't talk to strangers". A cry to be understood, an obvious concern for her mother to protect her daughter in this cold world. Mother, if you are out there, I am not a stranger, let me talk to your daughter-she is beautiful and scared.
I went to the Bellevue Club for Masters workout at 6am the other morning. The 12 step program to rehab step 1 is "Just show up". I made a commitment to do that and the new sleeping pill has allowed me enough rest to just show up-I drag out a yoga mat for step 2 and 3 "start slow and alter the workout". A smile on my face, a new empowerment, a wonderful support group.
Sean, who grew up training for swimming at Bellevue Club, has attracted a lot of attention with his swimming acheivements. He is on his way back to Seattle after graduating from USC just days before my surgery. Perhaps the universe is beconning him back to his own folds for a job where he was raised. Years ago as he was training for Olympic Trials I was running (often that is where my best thinking comes into play-another balancing act in the game of life) when I wrote this mantra for Sean. It sings true for me, and now I find more meaning that ever in the words I wrote for Sean to succeed:
IN LIFE AS IN SWIMMING
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE HILLS YOU MUST CLIMB
AND THE ATTITUDE IT TAKES TO SURMOUNT THEM.
BUILD YOUR TEAM WITH LOVE
FOR THAT IS WHERE YOU DRAW YOUR STRENGTH,
AND YOU CAN ACHEIVE WHAT OTHERS ONLY DREAM...
Sitting in the lobby of the Doctor office we waited for our appointment. Tap tap tap, "excuse me". Erica thought that something was on her shoulder, but Svein was introducing himself as he waited for his next cat scan. "Don't drink my juice" he chided. "Oh, I won't take your stuff", "I didn't notice you there". What a wonderful, humorous way to introduce yourself. What a great attitude! We all wanted to get to know this man and what he was up to. He went on to say he was from Denmark but now living in Phinney Ridge. A loner, he delivered fish on his bicycle in Denmark back home for a year, making a simple living and meeting folk along the way. We took his number, vowed to see him again, and went to our appointment.
I talked with my tennant the other day and his son was MIA from school. He is a single father trying hard to start a new life on Mercer Island, newly moved here from Idaho, a gutsy move to try to better his own life and start over. I had assured him that there was no better place than Mercer Island to raise his boys that he had just received custody of. That was 2 years ago, and now things were not going as planned. How will the community respond? Who does he connect with who will be the eyes in back of his head, helping him keep track of his son? Does he think that society has let him down? He is trying to start his own construction business, just developing his skills of the trade, and balance raising his boys and enjoying life.
Erica and I went downtown to an appointment with the Immigrations attorney who had been referred us (thank you Catherine Meyer and Sharon Pollack, and Dave Shiffrin-for getting us to this point). Who you know is so important in life. You only need ask for help, and God will show you the way. Dream big, and pray for the results. The mantra is working. We must now apply for a tourist visa in order for Dan to get over here stat. Any other venue would delay his arrival. I phone Dan to let him know that his status is now tourist, start drilling that into his head, the rest will play out later. We have had issue in the past with wrong message being accidentally jokingly communicated to governmental agencies. Since 911 you have to watch out who gets into this country and no joke is tollerated at customs. What is unfolding here? We learned that Erica had to file her income tax from her work in Australia, so we went across the street to the Federal building to get forms to update her status and ready to sponsor Dan. She has to make more than poverty level in order to sponsor Dan. We pray for a deal, we get an opportunity to present an offer the very next day. God again answers our prayers.
At the Federal Building, I see a girl who appears mental disabled, our eyes connect, and I ask "Do you live on Mercer Island?" "NO, I can't talk to strangers" she replys, a scared look on her face. I back off and continue on down the hall toward the IRS office. She turns and yells down the hall, "I can't talk to strangers, my Mother told me not to talk to strangers, I can't talk to strangers". A cry to be understood, an obvious concern for her mother to protect her daughter in this cold world. Mother, if you are out there, I am not a stranger, let me talk to your daughter-she is beautiful and scared.
I went to the Bellevue Club for Masters workout at 6am the other morning. The 12 step program to rehab step 1 is "Just show up". I made a commitment to do that and the new sleeping pill has allowed me enough rest to just show up-I drag out a yoga mat for step 2 and 3 "start slow and alter the workout". A smile on my face, a new empowerment, a wonderful support group.
Sean, who grew up training for swimming at Bellevue Club, has attracted a lot of attention with his swimming acheivements. He is on his way back to Seattle after graduating from USC just days before my surgery. Perhaps the universe is beconning him back to his own folds for a job where he was raised. Years ago as he was training for Olympic Trials I was running (often that is where my best thinking comes into play-another balancing act in the game of life) when I wrote this mantra for Sean. It sings true for me, and now I find more meaning that ever in the words I wrote for Sean to succeed:
IN LIFE AS IN SWIMMING
TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE HILLS YOU MUST CLIMB
AND THE ATTITUDE IT TAKES TO SURMOUNT THEM.
BUILD YOUR TEAM WITH LOVE
FOR THAT IS WHERE YOU DRAW YOUR STRENGTH,
AND YOU CAN ACHEIVE WHAT OTHERS ONLY DREAM...
Friday, June 8, 2007
Blogger help
It's another f-ing foreign language! Frustrating that is, and we all have to be patient and learn how to communicate with it because it is soooo great when you can really use the tools! Thanks Bill Gates, you are awsome. I admit, I had help from the younger generation, thanks Erica and Chelsea, because when they do it for you, it's a breeze, but just like driving a car, if you don't do it yourself, you won't learn the lesson, so try it and enjoy! One of my more patient friends even discovered she could tap into other blogger's blogs and she learned about my friend Deb's only daughter, Celeste, who has even more trials than me, and nearly died of cancer a few years ago but is surviving stronger today-you go girl!
Dad, you said you print the page for family who prefer not to frustrate themselves with the internet. Thanks for sharing. I just learned how to check my gmail account to read the new emails I have had sitting in my new (unjunked and preferred) email account. I have been meaning to do the same, just haven't gotten to it. I deligated the book form to a friend, and haven't heard from her, though I am sure she is just busy and I am impatient to get the word out. Your issue with pulling up the Girl's Nite out picture is because you saved with the connection that Steve gave you on favorites that brings you back to the May webpage-Erica taught Steve that one, and she admits she is soooo busy that she hasn't even gotten to read my blog for days, and people are asking her how to use the stupid website. I will try not to clutter the chapter with stupid details, they can be organized and directed by other people who have patience and time to do this as a service to others who need to communicate. Try resaving the favorite with www.kattale.blogspot.com and see if that fixes the problem. Then, as you have discovered, to respond, you set up a gmail account so you can respond to the chapter-but you can go back and respond to the appropriate chapter too if you want-I look back and reread the chapter comments each day! So for now, set up a gmail account so you can respond to comments and get new, uncluttered email, I will have the time to respond. TO SET UP A GMAIL ACCOUNT you have to go to google line and put in gmail.com (Erica had to tell me that one too-remember I am regressing to a two year old, but that means I am determined to do it "by self") Then you will get instructions on converting email from whatever venue you are currently using on your new gmail account email. Hope that helps.
As you can see, I am still up at 1 am. This seems to be the time when all is quiet and my best writing flows (don't know about this entry). Erica is getting mad at me for posting in the middle of the nite instead of sleeping, but I can rest during the day with gatekeepers and new rules. We are organizing, compartmentalizing, and learning how to communicate even better. This computer stuff even translates into other languages. My next vision (thanks Dawn for Wendy's story) is sign language-did you notice the peace sign?-that is universal.
Dad, you said you print the page for family who prefer not to frustrate themselves with the internet. Thanks for sharing. I just learned how to check my gmail account to read the new emails I have had sitting in my new (unjunked and preferred) email account. I have been meaning to do the same, just haven't gotten to it. I deligated the book form to a friend, and haven't heard from her, though I am sure she is just busy and I am impatient to get the word out. Your issue with pulling up the Girl's Nite out picture is because you saved with the connection that Steve gave you on favorites that brings you back to the May webpage-Erica taught Steve that one, and she admits she is soooo busy that she hasn't even gotten to read my blog for days, and people are asking her how to use the stupid website. I will try not to clutter the chapter with stupid details, they can be organized and directed by other people who have patience and time to do this as a service to others who need to communicate. Try resaving the favorite with www.kattale.blogspot.com and see if that fixes the problem. Then, as you have discovered, to respond, you set up a gmail account so you can respond to the chapter-but you can go back and respond to the appropriate chapter too if you want-I look back and reread the chapter comments each day! So for now, set up a gmail account so you can respond to comments and get new, uncluttered email, I will have the time to respond. TO SET UP A GMAIL ACCOUNT you have to go to google line and put in gmail.com (Erica had to tell me that one too-remember I am regressing to a two year old, but that means I am determined to do it "by self") Then you will get instructions on converting email from whatever venue you are currently using on your new gmail account email. Hope that helps.
As you can see, I am still up at 1 am. This seems to be the time when all is quiet and my best writing flows (don't know about this entry). Erica is getting mad at me for posting in the middle of the nite instead of sleeping, but I can rest during the day with gatekeepers and new rules. We are organizing, compartmentalizing, and learning how to communicate even better. This computer stuff even translates into other languages. My next vision (thanks Dawn for Wendy's story) is sign language-did you notice the peace sign?-that is universal.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
The Cleaning Crew
I have a Vietnamese woman who I now consider part of the family, help me clean my house every other week. She works hard for 4-5 hours trying to do what I would wish for her to do without interfering with the order (or disorder, in my case) of my various piles. I am young, and cheap and feel like I can do this simple work myself and save myself some money. I mean, come on, did my Mom ever have anyone to help her around the house? and she had 4 kids! Oh yeah, the kids helped around the house for allowance money. But I justify it since I am working my butt off and don't have the energy to come home and work too. The thing I realize is that clean and organized, systemized and decluttered is cleansing and healing and I need to practice it more often.
Erica, in her senior year of High School, had visited Vietnam. It was a wonderful experience visiting the war memorials of our generation, seeing the beauty of another culture and land, and partying with Vietnamese teenagers and trying their foods and drinks. They left peace offerings and bonded with a world they couldn't communicate with any other way. Listen with the heart...
Communication is difficult when you don't speak the same language. How frustrating it can be when you don't understand someone on the other line of the phone (all those computer tech help calls!), someone mumbles, or you just don't speak the language! Trying to relay what I needed in the cleaning department has been a lesson in patience, but worth the effort. One day a few months ago, I noticed that Hahn was looking very morose and wasting away. She relayed to me that her son had gotten into some trouble and that she was internalizing the pain. How often do we stuff our feelings and think that no one will notice. No wonder we have so many mental health issues, road rage, suicides-who listens? I hugged her closely and told her she needed to take care of herself before she could help her son. Health is our biggest asset. We prayed and talked about the support of a universal presence that was looking out for her. Just after my surgery, Hahn arrived with a bandana on her head and as I revealed my cancer diagnoses, she revealed her recently shaved head she had done in support of her son. We hugged and shared tears. She returned 2 weeks later and I had just gotten my new wig. I got up and made her try on the bleach blonde wig and we hugged and laughed at the cool blonde Vietnamese woman in the mirror. She is bringing our family our favorite spring rolls and soup to aid our healing, and dug the happy buddah that Sean had purchased for me on his visit to China out of the dusty shelves in the living room. "You should be more like him she said". I agreed.
Erica, in her senior year of High School, had visited Vietnam. It was a wonderful experience visiting the war memorials of our generation, seeing the beauty of another culture and land, and partying with Vietnamese teenagers and trying their foods and drinks. They left peace offerings and bonded with a world they couldn't communicate with any other way. Listen with the heart...
Communication is difficult when you don't speak the same language. How frustrating it can be when you don't understand someone on the other line of the phone (all those computer tech help calls!), someone mumbles, or you just don't speak the language! Trying to relay what I needed in the cleaning department has been a lesson in patience, but worth the effort. One day a few months ago, I noticed that Hahn was looking very morose and wasting away. She relayed to me that her son had gotten into some trouble and that she was internalizing the pain. How often do we stuff our feelings and think that no one will notice. No wonder we have so many mental health issues, road rage, suicides-who listens? I hugged her closely and told her she needed to take care of herself before she could help her son. Health is our biggest asset. We prayed and talked about the support of a universal presence that was looking out for her. Just after my surgery, Hahn arrived with a bandana on her head and as I revealed my cancer diagnoses, she revealed her recently shaved head she had done in support of her son. We hugged and shared tears. She returned 2 weeks later and I had just gotten my new wig. I got up and made her try on the bleach blonde wig and we hugged and laughed at the cool blonde Vietnamese woman in the mirror. She is bringing our family our favorite spring rolls and soup to aid our healing, and dug the happy buddah that Sean had purchased for me on his visit to China out of the dusty shelves in the living room. "You should be more like him she said". I agreed.
Visualization
The happy thoughts and visualizations of beauty and peace are healing. Last night Steve and I retreated alone to the Casita, while Erica escaped with her friends and tried to get back to normal (whatever that is for now). At the Casita, the visual creates it's own ever changing scenery, but we took along the old "I Love Lucy" tapes that our neighbor lent us and laughed at how little has really changed. It made The Production seem so much more likely to really become a reality.
I took an Ambien-giving it another try-to settle down and fall asleep, but woke up once again with a clear message that chemo was the right answer (Key mo-more). That must be working but I am still listening to all methods of healing-preferring,as ever, to do things naturally whenever possible. Love, love, love the happy thoughts and laughter therapy. So must our boys overseas-you go Reid and Matt.
I took an Ambien-giving it another try-to settle down and fall asleep, but woke up once again with a clear message that chemo was the right answer (Key mo-more). That must be working but I am still listening to all methods of healing-preferring,as ever, to do things naturally whenever possible. Love, love, love the happy thoughts and laughter therapy. So must our boys overseas-you go Reid and Matt.
The Quarterback
I have used this analogy more than once in my Real Estate career because it helps me relate to the men and how we play the game of life. My Dad was a football player, for us ladies it is social hour, and if you pay attention to the game, there are some real life lessons to relate to. I am glad we are over the days of gladiator!
We are all players or spectators or both in the game of life, and we can choose to play the game or not. Sometime along the road we retire, hopefully before we get too beat up. The quarterback calls the plays (of course along with the coach), and sometimes has to wing it due to unforseen circumstantces, to score. It can get pretty exciting and unpredictable. When you consider yourself in shape to play the game, you think you are invicible, and you are charged with superpower to get that ball down to your goal and score. Sometimes best laid plans are foiled by interceptions, sometimes you can pull a fake, and sometimes the play goes just as planned, but the exciting part is that it is so unpredictable.
When you are moving, the goal is to get to the next lifestyle. Sometimes that goes easily, and sometimes it takes a lot of training, coaching, and determination just to make the next down, but persistance and focus on the goal make for the final score. You have to keep your focus. The coach's call is not always the right answer, but if you believe in the coach and yourself, anything is possible. Then there is alway the referree, who has to be called in when we thought we had made progress, but the rules were broken, so it is a do over. So hang in there my clients, I am still coaching, and you are still in the game. Go Huskies (ha ha, just had to add that for your Cougar fans)
We are all players or spectators or both in the game of life, and we can choose to play the game or not. Sometime along the road we retire, hopefully before we get too beat up. The quarterback calls the plays (of course along with the coach), and sometimes has to wing it due to unforseen circumstantces, to score. It can get pretty exciting and unpredictable. When you consider yourself in shape to play the game, you think you are invicible, and you are charged with superpower to get that ball down to your goal and score. Sometimes best laid plans are foiled by interceptions, sometimes you can pull a fake, and sometimes the play goes just as planned, but the exciting part is that it is so unpredictable.
When you are moving, the goal is to get to the next lifestyle. Sometimes that goes easily, and sometimes it takes a lot of training, coaching, and determination just to make the next down, but persistance and focus on the goal make for the final score. You have to keep your focus. The coach's call is not always the right answer, but if you believe in the coach and yourself, anything is possible. Then there is alway the referree, who has to be called in when we thought we had made progress, but the rules were broken, so it is a do over. So hang in there my clients, I am still coaching, and you are still in the game. Go Huskies (ha ha, just had to add that for your Cougar fans)
Wednesday, June 6, 2007
Emotional Overload
The therapist, Chava, said, "you are all in emotional overload, how do you cope?". I knew that we all were dealing with it in different ways, each of us with different reactions, coping methods, remedies. Erica had insisted that we all go to a therapist, as I said before, I am now open to any and all methods of healing. I know I need help, Dr Kaplan is my leader, he had given us Chava's name. Steve had said anyone with a Dr degree knows more than we do, we should listen. None of us could argue, ultimately, that a shrink was the right decision, though we have made excuses in the past that we could handle this on our own-this appt was FREE-that is always my excuse. It was the outing of the day, and it turned out to be a very good day.
I reddied for the appt slowly. I was still naseaus and hadn't gotten rid of my toxins (I still hadn't pooed), the medicines seemingly weren't working their magic in my timeline (NOW-I had given that I would be better from chemo in 3 days, seeing as most feel sick for a few days after, perhaps 5 days after chemo). I had taken Ambien, a sleeping drug that others had said was their coping friend, and it produced "Chemo Last Friday" middle of the night-perhaps I was sleepwriting.
I think I missed a date with some friends who were coming to visit, (sorry Q and Colleen-you are so important to me) because our appt ran overtime. Jean Ramberg was coming to visit, I couldn't wait to talk with her (she ran "camp Ramberg" when my kid's were 5 years old, right next to the Mercerwood Shore Club on the banks of Lake Washington). This was my therapy to date, friends and family, my huge support system, my community.
It was now 10:30, our appt was for 11:30, the pressure was on. I am notoriusly late, something that I admit to needing work with. Steve likes to arrive 3 hours before a domestic flight at SeaTac, I could skid in 1/2 hr before with carry on luggage-no wait! I am learning to slow down fast now. It does have it's healing effects. Phew, the ginger tea, stool softeners, antinasea pills, were all kicking in here just in the nick of time, I had even had a refreshing shower and was feeling strong again. God does answer prayer. I am so lucky to be able move by myself, what if I had been hit by a bus and been debilitated, how would I have coped with that one? Emily Easton, a dear child diagnosed with CP, now age 22, had written me an inspirational card that God loves me-thank you Emily, you have endured alot and found God through your experience, we are the lucky ones.
The appt lead us to the Floor 1 Cancer Education and resource center where were met wonderful volunteers who enlightened our journey with gifts of available classes, massage, yoga, art, along with free cotton hat, cancer pins, stuffed pink bear, and shower lotions and potions. We were told to check into Guilda's club-a club I have not had time to attend, but which I have financially supported in the past, now here for me! I checked out a tape to help me go to sleep without the help of Ambien. We booked another appt with Chava for me by myself.
The day just got better as it went on. I escaped to the Casita with Jean for a spell and the sun broke through on the waterfront (I expect the rainbow was out since it always is when the sun breaks through the rain on that part of the lake, but the conversation was the rainbow). I broke the new rules about dinner at 6:30 since Chelsea came over to help Erica (they have become good friends from this experience) right at dinnertime, and Steve ate by himself. Then broke the rules again as I was redding for bedtime (Erica, gatekeeper, had left to get her frozen yogurt fix with Chelsea) and Sharon Scott arrived with magazines, comfort candy, and her beautiful wedding dress in answer to my prayers for opening the wedding box. We opened the wedding box at 9 PM, a time I was supposed to be out for the night. Flexibilty is a good thing, we all cope with things in a different way.
I reddied for the appt slowly. I was still naseaus and hadn't gotten rid of my toxins (I still hadn't pooed), the medicines seemingly weren't working their magic in my timeline (NOW-I had given that I would be better from chemo in 3 days, seeing as most feel sick for a few days after, perhaps 5 days after chemo). I had taken Ambien, a sleeping drug that others had said was their coping friend, and it produced "Chemo Last Friday" middle of the night-perhaps I was sleepwriting.
I think I missed a date with some friends who were coming to visit, (sorry Q and Colleen-you are so important to me) because our appt ran overtime. Jean Ramberg was coming to visit, I couldn't wait to talk with her (she ran "camp Ramberg" when my kid's were 5 years old, right next to the Mercerwood Shore Club on the banks of Lake Washington). This was my therapy to date, friends and family, my huge support system, my community.
It was now 10:30, our appt was for 11:30, the pressure was on. I am notoriusly late, something that I admit to needing work with. Steve likes to arrive 3 hours before a domestic flight at SeaTac, I could skid in 1/2 hr before with carry on luggage-no wait! I am learning to slow down fast now. It does have it's healing effects. Phew, the ginger tea, stool softeners, antinasea pills, were all kicking in here just in the nick of time, I had even had a refreshing shower and was feeling strong again. God does answer prayer. I am so lucky to be able move by myself, what if I had been hit by a bus and been debilitated, how would I have coped with that one? Emily Easton, a dear child diagnosed with CP, now age 22, had written me an inspirational card that God loves me-thank you Emily, you have endured alot and found God through your experience, we are the lucky ones.
The appt lead us to the Floor 1 Cancer Education and resource center where were met wonderful volunteers who enlightened our journey with gifts of available classes, massage, yoga, art, along with free cotton hat, cancer pins, stuffed pink bear, and shower lotions and potions. We were told to check into Guilda's club-a club I have not had time to attend, but which I have financially supported in the past, now here for me! I checked out a tape to help me go to sleep without the help of Ambien. We booked another appt with Chava for me by myself.
The day just got better as it went on. I escaped to the Casita with Jean for a spell and the sun broke through on the waterfront (I expect the rainbow was out since it always is when the sun breaks through the rain on that part of the lake, but the conversation was the rainbow). I broke the new rules about dinner at 6:30 since Chelsea came over to help Erica (they have become good friends from this experience) right at dinnertime, and Steve ate by himself. Then broke the rules again as I was redding for bedtime (Erica, gatekeeper, had left to get her frozen yogurt fix with Chelsea) and Sharon Scott arrived with magazines, comfort candy, and her beautiful wedding dress in answer to my prayers for opening the wedding box. We opened the wedding box at 9 PM, a time I was supposed to be out for the night. Flexibilty is a good thing, we all cope with things in a different way.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Chemo last Friday
I guess I just wanted to clear the voices in my head and try to make some sense out of it all before I wrote my feelings on chemo...The Production gave me a new and uplifting focus away from being sick. I needed that.
I entered the hospital room TREATMENTS where there was a TV, lounge chair, IV drip machine and guest chair, much like you would find in any doctors' office. They sat me and Steve down and with my newly implanted port-put in by Dr Robert Feldman (another Mercer Island communinity resident) just hours earlier, began explaining the possible effects of the two big gun drugs they would be administering for the chemo treatment. In preface for the chemo though, we had an hour of, one at a time, drip drugs-antihistamine, antinausea meds, more antinausea (good, cause I am afraid of vomiting again), more antihistamin, & antibiotics, all the while monitoring my vitals to see what the reaction would be. I started feeling sleepy when all the antihistamine pumps were finished. It had been a long day already, port in at 10 am, now just starting the 3-4 hours process of getting the chemo drugs and it was already 5 pm, the pay parking closing at 7 pm, and Erica, who had taken over for Steve at this point, needed to move the car to the street so she wouldn't be stuck. "Just go, I am gonna take a nap anyhow". I knew the chair she had was uncomfortable and she had worn a cute short dress and it was cold in the sterile room. They brought us both warm blankets and offered us snacks in the fridge down the hall. We were in for the long haul. Taxal was first because of the unknown 1st reactions, they did a very slow drip and monitored vitals. My blood pressure was up. The nurse stopped the drip. "I am going to call the Dr because this high could affect your heart, and we don't want that". "No, measure it again, I can control it with some biofeedback" (I had practiced that when I was pregnant and thinking natural childbirth, walking up to Swedish hospital up many hills to get to my prenatal appointments). The next reading decreased slightly as I envisioned myself on a quiet sandy beach, the gentle sound of waves lapping on the ocean floor, and the sun warming my entire body. Dr said monitor the vitals and continue. Great, cause I had a party to get to-Reid Sanborn was back from his fly boy mission to Afganistan and Bonnie was having a welcome home party I wanted to stop by. Erica could drive me there, we would just stop by for a minute. I woke up, Erica was gone, I must have dozed off for a bit. I wasn't feeling sick? Did I want a popsicle? Sure, my mouth was dry-something they had warned me about. There were drinks and sack lunch in the fridge if I felt up for it-nourish my body. I am supposed to be envisioning the pac man characters eating up the cancer cells-yes, this is the timing for that process, but in contradiction, all my body is seeing up till now is the tumors growing as fast as I am healing from my hysterectomy. The negative or doubtful thoughts are not in my plans, get them out! Funny movies, sleep schedules, gate keeper visits, have all been prescribed, and I am launching a new goal plan that will last how long? One day at a time. See how you feel. Observe and communicate. How do people survive who have no support? I feel your support every hour. God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the ability to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference-the serenity prayer. How can I pray more specifically? I am just starting this journey. I do not know where it is taking me today. I missed the party, I got out of my first treatment finally about 9 M and I was tired. Not like a marathon tired, just mentally drained. I slept restlessly.
Like a baby boxer, I had just bounced back from a knock down in the surgery ring only to get up and add insult to injury with another proceedure, then chemo. I am gonna win this battle. (I have always hated boxing, why am I watching this scene? We are inundated with scenes like that on the TV news-our reality-and all the depressing news about death and sadness-Erica and I talk about the lack of TV in Australia, and how we are going to screen our TV channels and try to watch only when it is uplifting). This means a new regiment for Steve as he always winds down the evening with news, real estate channel, and I end up watching the latest sitcoms for a couple of hours afterwards before I am ready to drop off. Bailey also easily falls asleep, the snoring in stereo, though she sleeps less soundly and follows me out to the computer when I get up in the middle of the nite. I am atuned to her movings in the middle of the nite too, perhaps it is a bitch thing. Erica brings up her Ipod with Enna to fall off to sleep with. Steve is out in minutes and I listen to the entire album but eventually, after adjusting ginger tea, antinausea pills, more antigas product, and pain killer (which now promotes constipation-every drug counteracts the next!-did I really need a pain killer?-I just got my first poo!) Frustration....
It has been 3 days now, I was told to expect this yucky feeling but to try to keep it in check with meds and don't be a martyr. I am at my Dr.s mercy and he has been amazing-new affirmations of his healings daily from all sources. Nutricianist come out of the woodwork and Martha Thorsvig has picked up the dinner schedule again but we are trying to define what is best for us-Steve still loves plain steak-he can live on that alone-I taught him to make me a spinach salad with organic tomatoes and carrots (they were being fed as doggie snacks since we have started finding healthy snacks for the dog, and training her to eat stuff we eat so as not to have so many leftovers-besides, my Mom always ate stuff past pull date, and I have had a hard time throwing things out) sunflower seeds, and balsamic vinigar. Things taste medicinal and my appetite is lacking. There are drugs to counteract the lack of appetite. I am inclined to go the natural way if possible, but I am trying it all right now...be patient with me.
I entered the hospital room TREATMENTS where there was a TV, lounge chair, IV drip machine and guest chair, much like you would find in any doctors' office. They sat me and Steve down and with my newly implanted port-put in by Dr Robert Feldman (another Mercer Island communinity resident) just hours earlier, began explaining the possible effects of the two big gun drugs they would be administering for the chemo treatment. In preface for the chemo though, we had an hour of, one at a time, drip drugs-antihistamine, antinausea meds, more antinausea (good, cause I am afraid of vomiting again), more antihistamin, & antibiotics, all the while monitoring my vitals to see what the reaction would be. I started feeling sleepy when all the antihistamine pumps were finished. It had been a long day already, port in at 10 am, now just starting the 3-4 hours process of getting the chemo drugs and it was already 5 pm, the pay parking closing at 7 pm, and Erica, who had taken over for Steve at this point, needed to move the car to the street so she wouldn't be stuck. "Just go, I am gonna take a nap anyhow". I knew the chair she had was uncomfortable and she had worn a cute short dress and it was cold in the sterile room. They brought us both warm blankets and offered us snacks in the fridge down the hall. We were in for the long haul. Taxal was first because of the unknown 1st reactions, they did a very slow drip and monitored vitals. My blood pressure was up. The nurse stopped the drip. "I am going to call the Dr because this high could affect your heart, and we don't want that". "No, measure it again, I can control it with some biofeedback" (I had practiced that when I was pregnant and thinking natural childbirth, walking up to Swedish hospital up many hills to get to my prenatal appointments). The next reading decreased slightly as I envisioned myself on a quiet sandy beach, the gentle sound of waves lapping on the ocean floor, and the sun warming my entire body. Dr said monitor the vitals and continue. Great, cause I had a party to get to-Reid Sanborn was back from his fly boy mission to Afganistan and Bonnie was having a welcome home party I wanted to stop by. Erica could drive me there, we would just stop by for a minute. I woke up, Erica was gone, I must have dozed off for a bit. I wasn't feeling sick? Did I want a popsicle? Sure, my mouth was dry-something they had warned me about. There were drinks and sack lunch in the fridge if I felt up for it-nourish my body. I am supposed to be envisioning the pac man characters eating up the cancer cells-yes, this is the timing for that process, but in contradiction, all my body is seeing up till now is the tumors growing as fast as I am healing from my hysterectomy. The negative or doubtful thoughts are not in my plans, get them out! Funny movies, sleep schedules, gate keeper visits, have all been prescribed, and I am launching a new goal plan that will last how long? One day at a time. See how you feel. Observe and communicate. How do people survive who have no support? I feel your support every hour. God grant me the courage to accept the things I cannot change, the ability to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference-the serenity prayer. How can I pray more specifically? I am just starting this journey. I do not know where it is taking me today. I missed the party, I got out of my first treatment finally about 9 M and I was tired. Not like a marathon tired, just mentally drained. I slept restlessly.
Like a baby boxer, I had just bounced back from a knock down in the surgery ring only to get up and add insult to injury with another proceedure, then chemo. I am gonna win this battle. (I have always hated boxing, why am I watching this scene? We are inundated with scenes like that on the TV news-our reality-and all the depressing news about death and sadness-Erica and I talk about the lack of TV in Australia, and how we are going to screen our TV channels and try to watch only when it is uplifting). This means a new regiment for Steve as he always winds down the evening with news, real estate channel, and I end up watching the latest sitcoms for a couple of hours afterwards before I am ready to drop off. Bailey also easily falls asleep, the snoring in stereo, though she sleeps less soundly and follows me out to the computer when I get up in the middle of the nite. I am atuned to her movings in the middle of the nite too, perhaps it is a bitch thing. Erica brings up her Ipod with Enna to fall off to sleep with. Steve is out in minutes and I listen to the entire album but eventually, after adjusting ginger tea, antinausea pills, more antigas product, and pain killer (which now promotes constipation-every drug counteracts the next!-did I really need a pain killer?-I just got my first poo!) Frustration....
It has been 3 days now, I was told to expect this yucky feeling but to try to keep it in check with meds and don't be a martyr. I am at my Dr.s mercy and he has been amazing-new affirmations of his healings daily from all sources. Nutricianist come out of the woodwork and Martha Thorsvig has picked up the dinner schedule again but we are trying to define what is best for us-Steve still loves plain steak-he can live on that alone-I taught him to make me a spinach salad with organic tomatoes and carrots (they were being fed as doggie snacks since we have started finding healthy snacks for the dog, and training her to eat stuff we eat so as not to have so many leftovers-besides, my Mom always ate stuff past pull date, and I have had a hard time throwing things out) sunflower seeds, and balsamic vinigar. Things taste medicinal and my appetite is lacking. There are drugs to counteract the lack of appetite. I am inclined to go the natural way if possible, but I am trying it all right now...be patient with me.
Monday, June 4, 2007
The Production
While visiting with our neighbors yesterday, my crazy brainstorm of an idea began taking shape. Some people would think I was smoking something, but isn't that how a lot of fabulous ideas go Hollywood. Where to start?
Marilyn mentioned the other day that it was helpful to open certain boxes when it was mutually agreed to open them. I wanted to refocus on the Wedding Box, and stay away from the Cancer Box for the moment. MY DAUGHTER IS ENGAGED to an awsome hunky Australian man. I was not initially prepared to welcome a new man into our family since Erica has a knack of choosing wonderful men, and I keep thinking she is going to loose out on a great one just because she is picky or because it is not the right timing, but I would have to say it is all in the timing (for all you wonderful x-boyfriends out there) bad timing. Some people say Dan looks like Tom Cruise, and Erica has it all over Paris Hilton, so I got to thinking that their wedding should go Hollywood. I could let the pros help out with the wedding planning of a lifetime! So, dream big and pray for the results, and help me find Hollywood. The story is certainly more entertaining than Friends, Scub (did you see the musical version the other nite? I loved , and totally related to the song on Poo), and The Wedding Planner. So all you out there-I know you know them-who do I need to contact to make this big one come off? I challenge you to find the connection before I do. Look, we even have the international theme going on. Oh, by the way, 2 complications we are trying to work out that perhaps you can help with: Dan needs a visa here, they have decided to move back to Seattle-anyone know an immigrations attorney? They really don't want to get married before their set date of July 5, 2008 just for the sake of a visa, and maybe you can help with job too-Dan is a personal trainer and committed to training for my recovery-anyone need a personal trainer for the Summer Run? (The Summer Run, save the date, is July 22, 2007, in Seattle, the Marsha Rivkin run for ovarian cancer, and I plan on running-check with Marilyn Dierickx on team Sussex fundraising and sign up). And Sharon Scott, my San Diego marathon training girlfriend, has taken on team in training again only this one in honor of me! She has challenged herself to reach a goal with me as her inspiration, and will be doing the Pacific Grove Triathalon and funraising for leukemia and lymphoma.
Flashbacks of when I was running with tears in my eyes during my mother's dying days (she died of breast cancer when Erica was just about 6 years old) wishing that I could emote some of my energy into her life. I watch Erica and now Dan run for the cure. Message-get yourself in shape before you need to! How did I let myself get into the cancer box again?
Marilyn mentioned the other day that it was helpful to open certain boxes when it was mutually agreed to open them. I wanted to refocus on the Wedding Box, and stay away from the Cancer Box for the moment. MY DAUGHTER IS ENGAGED to an awsome hunky Australian man. I was not initially prepared to welcome a new man into our family since Erica has a knack of choosing wonderful men, and I keep thinking she is going to loose out on a great one just because she is picky or because it is not the right timing, but I would have to say it is all in the timing (for all you wonderful x-boyfriends out there) bad timing. Some people say Dan looks like Tom Cruise, and Erica has it all over Paris Hilton, so I got to thinking that their wedding should go Hollywood. I could let the pros help out with the wedding planning of a lifetime! So, dream big and pray for the results, and help me find Hollywood. The story is certainly more entertaining than Friends, Scub (did you see the musical version the other nite? I loved , and totally related to the song on Poo), and The Wedding Planner. So all you out there-I know you know them-who do I need to contact to make this big one come off? I challenge you to find the connection before I do. Look, we even have the international theme going on. Oh, by the way, 2 complications we are trying to work out that perhaps you can help with: Dan needs a visa here, they have decided to move back to Seattle-anyone know an immigrations attorney? They really don't want to get married before their set date of July 5, 2008 just for the sake of a visa, and maybe you can help with job too-Dan is a personal trainer and committed to training for my recovery-anyone need a personal trainer for the Summer Run? (The Summer Run, save the date, is July 22, 2007, in Seattle, the Marsha Rivkin run for ovarian cancer, and I plan on running-check with Marilyn Dierickx on team Sussex fundraising and sign up). And Sharon Scott, my San Diego marathon training girlfriend, has taken on team in training again only this one in honor of me! She has challenged herself to reach a goal with me as her inspiration, and will be doing the Pacific Grove Triathalon and funraising for leukemia and lymphoma.
Flashbacks of when I was running with tears in my eyes during my mother's dying days (she died of breast cancer when Erica was just about 6 years old) wishing that I could emote some of my energy into her life. I watch Erica and now Dan run for the cure. Message-get yourself in shape before you need to! How did I let myself get into the cancer box again?
Sunday, June 3, 2007
The Wig
My girlfriends Marilyn and Cori kidknapped me the other day for a surprise party at Marilyn's. The water was sparkling and the air was warm and comforting. I have always said to my friends, those who run with me, get me out into nature when I am down and blue, when it is raining too much, when something put a bump in the road. So they fed me cherry pie, watermellon, water, and berries and showered me with presents-Cori and Maelita had gone shopping for LIFE IS GOOD clothes-very uplifting. Jeanne Cree surprised me with her wig made from her own hair when she went through the chemo process and a bag full of bandanas. We talked about the reason people wear wigs in the 1st place and how it would feel, who we were doing this for. We talked about what it was like to have your hair fall out and be bald. There are definetly times when I will present myself bald! Look out. I was a short but very sweet visit. These are the growing times that make me whole again. Thanks girlfriends.
Saturday, June 2, 2007
The Gardener
Neighbors are constantly walking by our house complimenting Steve on his immaculate care of the yard and gardens. It is quite gratifying to have someone notice. We have recently moved from isolation on the lake where only 1 neighbor drove by where the 1/2 acre of grounds (knarly woods) needed grooming, to a much more manageable (and public) neighborhood-Salem Woods. Like bees to a hive, neighbors buzz in and out (best place for a garage sale) watching the changes that are gradually but constantly going on. We kid Steve about his job as a weeder, but when you think about it, what more gratifying profession is there? When I attempt to put the inside in line with the beautified, manicured outside, I usually end up messier than I started trying to get organized, or I'll call in for help. Together, we can see the comleted package-a honeymoon retreat-but gettting there is always a process. Pulling weeds requires getting them by the roots, Steve insists. "I know, my Mom used to pay me 1cent for each dandelion I would uproot for her, but inevitabley they would grow back more numerous than before. "You can't just muffin top them". "You have to get them by the roots". Steve is an advocate for shooting them with poison-a visual I hold now with the onset of cancer. I am an impatient and spontaneous sort. Short on the wait and see. "Just do it" then see theory. This will be a long haul. Everything must marinate.
We yanked out the juniipers a couple of months ago-or I should say, I suggested, and Steve yanked. That's normally the way it goes-I suggest, Steve does-when it comes to gardening-It's a team effort. He worked arduously and constantly until the entire corner was done, then tackled the front pathway. Have you ever tried to get those overgrown monsters out of your garden? They need a tow truck! Our old "Salem Woods" neighborhood sign hid behind tall junipers and slowly showed it's face, as did our new neighbors as they saw the entry to our neighborhood restored to it's original splendor.
We yanked out the juniipers a couple of months ago-or I should say, I suggested, and Steve yanked. That's normally the way it goes-I suggest, Steve does-when it comes to gardening-It's a team effort. He worked arduously and constantly until the entire corner was done, then tackled the front pathway. Have you ever tried to get those overgrown monsters out of your garden? They need a tow truck! Our old "Salem Woods" neighborhood sign hid behind tall junipers and slowly showed it's face, as did our new neighbors as they saw the entry to our neighborhood restored to it's original splendor.
Friday, June 1, 2007
What is the Meaning of Life?
I have tried to live life with both purpose and passion, the John L Scott mantra, but the answer to what that is for me as an individual changes with each new chapter of my life. Purpose; what is my purpose? Deep question. The Real Estate career has been a great fit for me and I have counceled people anxious to get into the sometimes lucrative business and considered writing a book on the topic, but couldn't get my arms around the purpose of that book beyond straight education, and that wasn't motivation enough to start writing. Transitions in peoples lives, it is the transistion, the dreams of moving onward in life, the turmoils of moving, that fill me with passion. Bonnie, my work partner, called me after the diagnosis and said "I know what you should do!" " Write that book now."
Timing...it is not our own timing, but God's timing. Everything for a reason. I've not asked myself "why me?" because I know I got busy with routine things and forgot to connect with the purpose. This is slow down time to ponder and find purpose. I've been asked to slow down by God, I just have to open my heart to hear what path I need to travel. Meanwhile, my daughter, Erica, has stepped in to help with that end. She got her license last year with no real intent to activate it because there was no purpose. There is purpose now. She is my angel and has carried my workload the short time I have been recovering, and doing an excellent job getting me more organized and handling paperwork. Our team is getting stronger.
Timing...it is not our own timing, but God's timing. Everything for a reason. I've not asked myself "why me?" because I know I got busy with routine things and forgot to connect with the purpose. This is slow down time to ponder and find purpose. I've been asked to slow down by God, I just have to open my heart to hear what path I need to travel. Meanwhile, my daughter, Erica, has stepped in to help with that end. She got her license last year with no real intent to activate it because there was no purpose. There is purpose now. She is my angel and has carried my workload the short time I have been recovering, and doing an excellent job getting me more organized and handling paperwork. Our team is getting stronger.
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