Time to take a different tack

In sailing when the wind shifts, you tack (or jibe). You make a change in your course direction and adjust the sails, or you suffer the results of being "dead in the water" or way off course of your original destination. I have to create visuals in order to mobilize myself, or else I am stuck repeatedly reciting the 23rd Psalm; "Yea thou I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me..."

Last night Dr Kaplan called with the scan results. My resistant cancerous spot on the lungs continues to resist and grow. It is time to make a new plan. We are going to radiate the bugger! I am in the process now of finding out what that entails, and who is going to do it, and when. Just as the New Year dawns.
Taking that to another level, I called on one of my current clients and pushed a new plan. After nearly one year, our marketing efforts have not closed the deal and a change is needed. I signed up a new listing and reached mutual acceptance on another. Some plans work, others need shifting around.

Sundown

 

The sun has set. Winter is here, yet here I am in sunny Southern California and the scenery is absolutely breathtaking. I awake to sunshine and the temperature is over 70 degrees. I have seen the police busy making arrests, the stress of holiday shopping, and road rage, but at the end of the day there is a promise of a new dawning. Such a dichotomy.
The surfers were in Lunada Bay in droves. Mylo wanted to run down the cliff side trail with a dude and his surfboard; she could feel his excitement and wanted to test out the waves herself. Steve yanked her back, worried she would hurt herself, or worse, take him down with her. Good thing he had the extenda leash, not the hands free one you clip to waist. I started thinking...how does one learn to manage a cliff side? Why are some more cautious than others? Who is in charge of dampening or brightening your spirit? We all need a little of natures' beacon to call us to move celebrate life. May the Christmas spirit of giving and celebrating God's promise of new life, be with you all this holiday season, and may you take time to rest and rekindle a warm and loving atmosphere.

Desolation Sound

I find so many analogies to life from sailing. I have blessed new couples with smooth sailing notes, but honestly there is nothing like getting out there on the water and escaping from all the niceties of the world and roughing it! I had the opportunity to join my brother and cousin on an adventure in British Columbia for a week and returned to get my scan today.

We flew up to Big Bay in the N end of Desolation Sound and landed in the mist, drizzle and fog of a storm that would last 2 more days. We docked overnight and hiked up to a local lake where we found a community rowboat to explore the tranquil waters. We left the planning of each days journey up to my brother who has navigated these waters before. I read the history and found it to be very interesting. Big Bay had a new fishing resort and 3 helicopters a day disrupted the peace and quiet of the harbor.
We dropped anchor in a new harbor each evening and explored old rock quarries, logging sites, and fishing spots. We left Octopus Islands, made it through the dangerous strait at slack time just in time to meet with 8 foot waves and 38 knot winds! I wasn't scared because 15 feet off the bow of our boat were 3 Orca whales and my attention turned immediately to their siting. 1 very slow hour later we were in the shelter of Rebecca Spit and it was only then that my brother told us how nervous he was, and my cousin said he nearly puked.
At night the stars came out in force as there were no competing lights to brighten the night sky. I dreamed of old days when navigators relied on stars to chart their course. We made up pirates' names for our crew-Captain Stonefish, First Mate Flatulence, and Princess ... We had a fabulous computer system that told us depth, distance and weather and nearly ran the boat on automatic pilot.
One evening while I was at the bow dropping anchor, our fearless captain backing the boat to snag the anchor, we snagged the painter of the dinghy around the propeller. If that wasn't enough, the cold bay was full of millions of jellyfish. I called to the 2 other boats to see if anyone had a wetsuit, to no avail. As the sun was setting fast, I made the decision to get my swim goggles, round up some long under ware to protect myself as much as possible, and dive down to untangle the mess-hoping for the best. A dozen dives later, I had cut the untangled a the loose rope, cut through one loop with a knife, and was too chilled to continue, so relinquished the duty to my cousin. He made some progress, but also failed to complete the task. Time was of the essence and our fearless Captain finished the job in on strong tug and we celebrated and went to bed sleeping very well knowing that we could keep our schedule another day.
We spotted deer on land, harbor seals in the harbors, dolphins in the ocean, and eagles in the sky and felt a sense of freedom you don't feel on land. We cleared customs at Roche Harbor in the San Juans, and met our spouses there, ate a fabulous dinner at the Hotel de Haro, and Steve & I spent the nite in luxury at the new hotel addition. It was a perfect way to end the trip as the weather turned once again from sunny and bright to drizzle and cloudy. Each day a new dawning.

Insurance woes

Last nite I picked up a call, a sobbing voice on the other end of the line. The cast from the Seafair weekend accident had come off and now surgery is deemed necessary immediately. Taxes are due, and the bills from the emergency visit are demanding payment. While other of my daughters rich friends are plunking down money on their first house, this one is learning the insurance lesson the hard way. Suggestions that she ask me for help with our homeowners insurance liability come up. I try to stay level headed. I have just come out of another chemo treatment that morning. I want to reach over the line and just give her a big hug. This is Nothing! But to a 27old with no steady job, no insurance and bills with no end in sight, it is everything.
It's late, but I pick up the phone to ask my doctor friends their opinion on how to deal with hospital bills. I think I should have learned the lesson years ago when we had a wake board accident and a guest fractured his jaw. Those kids in their 20s think they are invincible, but I remember the simpler days when I was one of them and quite invisible myself.

Yoga Sunday

9;30-Hydrate, dress, get ready early because class fills up quickly. I run around the house collecting towel, drink, yoga mat-which have all chaotically migrated to all ends of the house-it's been a long time since I have done this for myself.
Our instructor starts the class out with child's pose, and a low monotone voice, gently taking us inward, focusing on our breathing. It is a good class for me. Lots of continuous movements, but plenty of time to meditate and stretch also.

I took Mo to the farmer's market after class. We both laughed as I said Erica and I had quite a view from our upward dog directly into the open crotch of exposed pantyless erotica. I commented on the instructor's views as he walked the class and touched sweaty bodies, moving them into more strenuous poses. Mo said "you know there isn't one person who doesn't have a crush on the instructor". I started to negate the comment. Don't we all need to be encouraged at the this state by an attentive touch and soothing words? "Does that feel OK-how is that for you now?.... Oh yeah! Yoga Bliss...

Seafair weekend

It's the weekend of the year the kids would not miss. They return home like Capistrano swallows to do their thing on Lake Washington. I pray harder each year for their safety over the drunken 3 day weekend. I remember calmer days as the activities were building and the Blue Angels started their flying shows; after all, they are the thunder in the air-the stars of the show.
This year we have a new dock and once again everyone is home-Dan and Erica (who is taking her turn as designated driver and responsibly refraining from drinking) too. Tyler and Tyler (he now has a 1 year-newborn baby at the wedding) have each moored their boats at the dock. Holsteads are at the Casa. They all head out...I get a calm call from Erica at 8PM not wanting to alert me or set me into panic mode. She and her girlfriend are on their way to emergency-her girlfriend sliped getting off the boat onto our new dock. Thank God the sign the kids posted did not produce resutls. "Boat moorage for Seafair $600". Erica's girlfriend ends up with (no insurance) a broken thumb, arm cast, cracked rib, and a what appears the next day when I get a look at it, to be a dozen stitches for a deep gash in her right leg-no insurance for pain pills. Ouch! We made it thru another year!
I participated this year-heading out from our awesome party at the Dierickx's house on Backes' boat before the final hydroplane laps. It's been years since I've been to the front line-log boom. We are bombarded with water balloons and water guns that nearly miss us-the day is in the 90's so the cool spray is welcomed. My back pains still alert me that the white cells are being manufactured up the spine marrow, but the pain is minimal and I can hop in the water and float around without worries. The chemo is working. I can feel results!
Yoga is in order SOON.

Sailing

Part of going AWOL is getting away from the interruptions of the day-the cell phone, the computer, and people who demand your attention (they would even if you were in a yoga class)-so sailing is an amazing experience with new focus. Originally we talked of doing an overnight to Pt. Townsend (another great escape) but it seemed no one had the time-too many commitments...The list of those who were able to join us dwindled, and eventually there were 5 of us left including my brother, Robin and wife, Karen, Debbie, my friend from Japan (well that was nearly 40 yrs ago), Sue (our children grew up together (that was nearly 30 yrs ago-the kids are married now), and ME, and Deb's dog, Delila.
We arrived at the Everett marina after blueberry pancakes and a goodbye to Dad, and Hanna and Dean who leave from Bellingham today to fly home to San Diego. We packed combined picnic lunch of smoked salmon, pasta salad, special banana bread, sub sandwiches, chips and bottle of wine. Since the winds are always unpredictable, Rob suggested we eat while the boat was still flat, so we chowed before heading out into 16 knot winds. The weather had cooled from Seafair hot week to the 80's. I donned my sweatshirt but left the bald head exposed for a dose of vitamin D. The day did not disappoint us as we glided by the buoy we saw a lonely sea lion basking in the sun flanked by huge navy ships seemingly abandoned.
Each of us got a lesson on sailing the boat and careless abandon lead to serious concentration of the power of the wind. The expressions on the faces changed and we spoke of scary times in our past, death, and things that we fear. The music took us to the 70's and 80's and I noticed with some anticipation that individuals would isolate themselves and drift off into thought mesmerized by the waves, water, and sparkling sunshine reflection. The enormity of the world dissected into one small and beautiful segment for us to revel in and reflect on. Both the time out and learning moments were gifts to the beauty of the day. We laughed without abandon and headed into lighted breezes between Camano and Whidby Islands-Saratogo Passage.
Six hours passed quickly. Robin docked perfectly, backing his 47 foot sailboat into his slip surrounded by equally expensive boat and new dock at the marina. We headed to Skuttlebutt, the local brewery, for a great dinner of shrimp, fish and chips, and local beer.

TEAM SUSSEX

I have been sidetracked with many things but this weekend marks the 2rd annual (and biggest ever) TEAM SUSSEX walk for the cure at the summer run. Still time to sign up at www.summerun.org and go to team sussex. I am so elated to have you all on board and feeling uplifted once again at all the support I continue to get each year this battle goes on.

An update on my treatments...I am currently undergoing chemo treatments for a persistent spot on my lung. We are changing up the drug since it seems to be resistant to the last chemo I was taking. I have been struggling with the whole concept of feeling sick when I have chemo, and feeling great in between. Why is all this necessary? Can't I just get a break? Yesterday I went in for the second dose of the new treatment (cisplatin and gemzar-or some such thing) and wasn't over the nausea from the week before. I was cured almost immediately when the doctor sent me home without more chemo (my white blood count was too low). I am told to rest, but I don't feel like it...I am told to eat, but I don't feel like it...and what am I supposed to eat anyways? There just aren't enough statistic es to prove anything about a cure or we would all be doing it-believe me!

My positive braclets are helping, but they go missing all the time. Even I haven't been able to stay on track for 21 consecutive days. I am going awol from work. Just escaping from the life I have been living and trying to find something more satisfying. I love the sunshine we have been blessed with. It highlights natures best-the water sparkles like diamonds, the trees shade feels like such a retreat and listening to the rustling of the leaves means that a breeze is coming through-it cools my sweaty bald head-I run around with sweet abandon-wigless. The plants respond vigorously to the sunshine and blossoms turn into fruit. I can't get enough of the sweet yellow tomoatoes, the blueberries, lettuce, and now blackberries are beginning to ripen. This is my favorite time of year! Come play with me.

Merry go round

I feel like I have been on the merry-go-round for a big whirl now and I am ready to get off and get my balance. Enough is enough and besides I am dizzy and feeling motion sick. Hopefully July 1st scan will verify that the tumors are zapped and I can have a reprieve. It has been somewhat of an out of body experience listening to the everyday issues that seem so mundane and unimportant. I think that my listening skills have improved.

I have started (and restarted) using my bracelets for the 21 day challenge and would invite you all to try this with me (I can get you a bracelet). The challenge is to speak positively for 21 days consecutively. If you get caught speaking (you can think negatively-come on-we are human) negatively, then you have to move the bracelet to the other wrist and start the 21 days over again. It takes the average person 7-9 months to make it 21 days. If I surround myself with positive people it influences me also! We all win. Blog me back with how you are all doing...I have started over a few times already.

On another positive note-the summer run is off to a good start and that is another challenge. For some of you, it is just the ticket, and others too big a challenge-so maybe start with the bracelet first and then get to the physical challenge. Mind, body, spirit-we need it all to be whole.

Blessings.

Summer run part 2

Ok, I am getting jazzed up about being the best I can be again. The summer run puts competition for a cause and celebration of life together for me with a positive outcome-besides, it's my life we are funding research for! Today it is all about all of you chellenging yourselves along with me and inviting your friends and family to do the same for a cause that will make a difference to lives to come (and probably someone you know). So sign up now on Team Sussex www.summerun.org

Summer Run kick off

Last night was the 3rd annual (for me) kick off for the Marsha Rivkin ovarian cancer run that continues to inspire me to new heights. The Rivkin center was established by Dr Rivkin (Swedish hospital oncologist) who lost his wife to ovarian cancer. The funds raised by this running event he puts on, fund new research that is keeping me alive today. It is inspirational to hear the speakers at this event that include survivors, research doctors, Dr Rivkin and his family, and all the support team who are helping set up web sites, doing the volunteer work, and most importantly raising fund for the cause. The run is on July 26th and I wanted to let you all know so you can join in the fun and party afterwards. Mark your calendars now, and check the progressing website to join Team Sussex www.swedishsummerun.org .

 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 

week in LA

 

Sleepless again

The weather change has been like a time zone change and I find myself thinking of everything under the sun that I need to do before next chemo (and last!) this coming Tues, June 9th. Mostly I am planning my future and those plans seem so inconsistent when my body isn't up to doing all that my mind has planned for it.

First off, a catch up on the California week last week; even with June gloom and reverse weather conditions (I thought I was going to soak up the sun and turned out Seattle had the incredible weather and LA rained) I had a fabulous time. Success was the word for the reunion of 4 of us classmates who had not all convened since 1969-young and influential 7th graders we were at the time. From different corners of the world we came with youthful strengths and dreams; together a power to be reckoned with. We have been pillars of strength for each other in various ways and shared secrets like the Ya Ya Sisterhood that only those from ASIJ (American School in Japan) could understand. This is the start of a new book.

Dad was the gracious host in Palos Verdes Estates. We had our week full of family connections: Eileen (youngest of 5 siblings) and daughter, Natalie, just 2 years old, shopped for belated birthday present and later completed a pair of mosaic flip flops with Debbie (my best friend from Japan who stayed with us for the long weekend). Steve and I did our usual Real Estate tour along the beach communities and walked the Strand once again. The ocean pulls each time I visit, I feel I am meant to be on the water. I had to get my fix by climbing down the bluff across from Dad's house on Thursday. There I found shell treasures, young people out on an adventure (the only ones who venture down the cliff side are either surfers, scuba divers, or homeless people it seems-certainly not for the week in the knees) driftwood huts and fire pits, and rotting seal carcases! After nearly tripping over several and hearing that there were a dozen more up ahead, I headed up a new-to-me trail about a mile down the beach. Near the top it got steep enough to grab a rope that was tied to a root up the hill and, with 3 shells in tow, I managed to reach the top without dropping anything (cell phone included). I called Steve to tell him I was headed home and safe on the road again. He always thinks I get too close to the edge so I cannot take him with me anymore. Sunday we took a road trip to San Clemente to visit Warren, wife Claire, and daughter Sheri (Jena is in Tanzania-a travel bug like me) and Karen and son Dean met us there for lunch coming up from San Diego. We visited the Farmer's Market historic Casa Bonita (correct me please I know that is wrong), then checked out a few open houses along the beachfront. We stopped at the Wayfarer's Chapel and crashed a wedding on the way home.
Monday we made the trek downtown to the fashion district to buy some bling and fashion statements with Maggie, and had lunch with Susan (the other 2 musketeers from Japan days), at her restaurant, The First Cup.
4;30 am Tuesday came all too soon as we caught the plane home to sunny Seattle.

A Rollin' Stone Gathers no Moss

That's what we used to sing as kids along with the records we played, and now I actually get it! I was thinking how stuck I could get just laying in bed and succumbing to the sick feeling that I awoke with-hoping that if I just pulled the covers back over my head the bad taste in my mouth would just go away. After awhile of missing master swim workouts, not running, feeling too dizzy to either drive or ride my bike,not seeing my friends who have gone off on vacation, and feeling sorry for myself, I rolled out of bed and began making appointments with people I knew would get me going in the morning. Not to mention that this is the nicest weekend and great introduction to the glorious summer that is ahead of us...9am and the skies were dark and the heat of the previous day had dissipated to a cool cloudy morning as we launched the kayaks. The water was not glass as I had hoped, but Sandy met me beaming with enthusiasm for a sport she had not attempted before. The eagles soared overhead and we headed across the lake to see if we could find turtles on the eastern banks of the Lake. Nearly a half hour later and many giggles and photos on Sandy's new phone (glad she didn't drop it in the water) later, the sun burst through the clouds and we were off to a grand weekend. Penny called me to get Mylo, my granddog who is visiting while her parents are off to the Gorge camping and partying, out for a walk with her dog Marley. When you have a dog you have to get out for walks or listen to them bark-in Mylo's case. She has ceaseless energy when it comes to fetching balls.
The later part of the day saw more traffic on the lake which Sean accommodated by taking me out on the boat. Then back to the Casita for a barbecue. It doesn't get much better.
Now that I have cleaned up a few of those 100/day emails, I can get ready to leave town for California to be assured of sunshine (altho I hear that the weather is staying nice here-it figures) for the entire week I will be gone.
How fast does the stone have to roll to gather no moss? I was imagining a feather being tossed in the air and watching it float slowly to the ground. Or a maple tree whirley that swirls around and around; each eventually end up on the ground unless caught by another breeze and tossed into the air again, only to gather moss when they finally settle.

Windows Live Hotmail

Windows Live Hotmail

This is the process. Can you tell the difference? Yeah-new hair.

Mother's Day

Yesterday was the perfect day! Dan called me early in the week and asked whether I wanted breakfast, or dinner, or both-and began the plans for the day. It was decided that we would meet early for a bike ride (I am so glad the weather cooperated and the sun was shining brightly) and stop at the Roanoke for breakfast. The whole family attended and we rode leisurely around the Island stopping for bloody marys, pancakes, omelette's and coffee. Steve wanted to know who was getting the truck and picking him up, but since it was my day we all continued around to finish the 13 mile loop.
Robin had promised to take us sailing if the weather cooperated but the gang didn't all want to come along so I called Sandy to see what her plans were and she slipped away to join us on the boat from Everett Marina. It was a calm day and we motored out of the harbor past lazy seals on the buoy toward Hat Island and Camano and the wind steadily picked up as the day went along. Rob showed me how his fancy computer system works to guide the boat (I did wonder if anyone could get us back if he fell overboard and we had to tack around a pick him up). We were engrossed in the I tunes he had on the computer and my theme song for the yer was readily available-"Lively up yourself" (Bob Marley). We drank wine and told jokes and caught up on family gossip as we reminisced about MOM. We had a gut busting, pee in your pants, moment-times like that don't happen every day, and we cruised back into port as the clouds rolled in.
Sean, Erica and Dan were preparing dinner at the Casita, and I invited extra guests-Todd & Sandy, Karen and Robin. We stopped at the store to add to the menu (I believe in the loaves and the fishes-somehow the food always seems bountiful), but I am sure my spontaneity leaves some in the lurch. Fortunately no one freaked out, stayed calm and flexible, and made my day the best ever!

Visit to Anton's

Last Thursday I visited Antons Hair shop with Bonnie. I know that in less than a week my hair will start to fall out again, so in anticipation, I decided to check out saving it this time and getting a wig of my own hair. From a previous visit, I knew that I would have to set an appointment to get it shaved this time so that it could be transformed as it came off into a wearable piece just like the style that I had so recently become accustomed to. This was Bonnie's first visit, and Steve, Sean and I had been joking about how Bonnie's red hair might be incorporated into my wig. We decided that taking the bangs would be best and I suggested that when Kurt was explaining the procedure to us. Momentarily Bonnie managed a nervous laugh as she contemplated the thought of having a mohawk for her upcoming son's wedding (just the position I was in just under a year ago). Then I suggested we both shave our heads and get two identical wigs-then we would really confuse people...We shared laughs and took before pictures. We will see if you all can tell when the wig replaces the fixed hair. Maybe this time I will be the wiser.

butterflies are free to fly, fly away

I stopped short as I headed out on my walk the other day with Mylo and Steve. Something caught my eye. It was a butterfly that had just alighted on the bush by the gate on my way out. It's wings were beautiful tones of brown, gold and yellow, but it's body had threads of teal green and deep blue. I had been studying the colors of silks for a project that Jodi and I are working on, and the color combinations were captivating, but the butterfly symbolism was seridipitous. The project is now formulated in my minds eye-wedding boxes-made from silk and sybolic of a beautiful fleeting creature.

Bloody Boogers

Life and death (blood and crust) all in one-what symbolism-that is what I wake up to at night. A sure sign that chemo is working again, and a symptom that I don't read about, so that merits documentation-aren't you all glad to read about it! It tends to be annoying, but I can sluff it off, blow it out, and be renewed. Action, progress, and much better than getting sick to my stomach. Wonder what is going on in the rest of my body...I am feeling less nauseous by the day and planning on getting my butt out of bed to go work out this morning. I have lost a bit of weight getting an appetite back again, but feeling good about that too. What a way to get in shape.

As for the mental aspect of repeating this process, I need to progressively remind myself of the benefits of readjustments in life. The time to reconnect with friends who have been through their own trials and tributes in this state of the economy-it's phenomenal! Relationships are stressed with times of financial downturn, people are out of jobs, the swine flu is going around (quit kissing pigs you guys and wear your masks-they do in Japan). We are afraid to get on a plane to sunny destinations because we are sparing our money and afraid of exposure, and it pours rain here intermittently with sucker patches lengthy enough to get a good walk in if you just seize the moment. Aunt Elise, I loved your email about getting drug in historic past. Today, the drug scene is meth labs, but yesterday it was about being drug to church for on Sunday, drug down the street to help a neighbor with their garden work, and drug to the bedroom to think about it if by chance you took a dime to help and you were caught by your parents for not doing the deed for free. What a change are country has seen.
External forces are easier to deal with than internal abnormalities. External forces we can fortify ourselves against, but internal come as such surprises, and we feel helpless. That is when we have to turn to emotional strength and glimpses of the grace of God; our spiritual side. It is a return to the whole makeup of the body. Too often we get comfortable with thinking we have control over our lives and forget to nurture and balance the other makeup of our beings. I love the offerings of friends who have dealt with adversities (and we all have whether we care to admit it or not) and their glimpses of beauty. I mentioned dancing to a dancing fool friend of mine when she called, and she invited me to her next Salsa class-I can't wait to go- "If you get the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance"...

Up to Bat

I ventured out on a walk with Mylo today to take advantage of the sunshine, though I could have just stayed curled up in bed and rested a few more hours until it was time to hold our new listing open. The youngster, Mylo, could have been a royal pain since we went to see the boys play their first softball league game (no practice 1st, just guts and glory) and ball playing means barking a getting really excited for Mylo...We made it without pulling or yanking on the leash and fully obeying in the offleash part of Pioneer Park, all the way to Lakeridge ballfield with balls flying everywhere. We sat on the bench and just behaved ourselves until our boys were up to bat. We had scrounged mitts just before gametime and the team barely looked pulled together. No one had showed for the cheering section. We sat on the bench and watched as the score mounted to 4 to 15. Sean got up to bat, got a great hit, and Mylo barked her approval-I think she really wanted to go out and field the balls that were getting away from everyone, but the bubbles were distracting her from the nearby toddler sitting on the hillside (with bubble blower) into the wind. Fly ball-caught by 2nd base man-1st out. Once again it occured to me what a difference a fan can make in the energy of any preformance. I will rally a fan group for the next game guys, but good effort and I know you had fun. Your energy was contageous-the open house went really well and the sunshine stayed out the entire time. Way to go.

Life is anything but static

Message of the day indicates that we don't grow in a static state. I am out of my comfort zone again. Accepting help, knowing that we have to rely on each other at times, and out of control mode. My body says rest and the surroundings have set me upside down. My phone is new and not working perfectly-it has windows and all the fancy stuff so that one device works the entire process. Trouble is, the print is so small that I have to get glasses out or just guess....

Home Recovery

Wow to be back here again is a deja vu. One year ago the day of the Guilda's Fashion show I was off for chemo just after the show, now here we go again. The day of the show where I hosted the table and off for round 3. To top it all off, Bonnie and Erica are off and we have a new listing...Thank God for all the friends that I have to help me at any sign of my weakness. Or just because they love me. Love you all. The treatment went well, I had visitors and played games, then went to sleep for a couple of hours at a time before the nurses would interupt and take my vitals and check meds. I felt I could run the show since this was old hat, and I estimated my own urine output, asked for my own wristband that they had forgotten, and changed my weight on the whiteboard that they son blatantly put up for all my visitors to see! Today I signed up a new listing and so my friends, come on and help me sell it! We need this economy to move! The day was beautiful, and I walked Mylo around the block a few times to catch the fresh air and sunshine. she is always up for a good walk. My feet don't hurt! Unbelievalbe! Look what chemo does. Late this afternoon, I started to slump. Food arrived, and Robin came over to help me get my home office running again. I think it is time to sleep.

Namaste

"The light within me honors the light within you". I feel your energies here in the hospital, and I call on them with a deep breath as the nauseous feeling takes over and the nurse rattles on about the toxicities of the cisplatin that is being infused. "It's gold" I keep repeating to myself as I take a deep breath and slowly release it and all the toxins that I am holding inside. It is almost 7 am and I have been up since 5:30, and awaken ever 2 hours for changes in drugs, vitals, and can you believe it? weight-which they then wrote on my white board...I think I will go and change that one now!
The sun keeps trying to come out today. I have the most beautiful view of the Seattle skyline, Smith Tower, Columbia Center, University Women's Club, and the just rippling waters of the Puget sound beyond the loading cranes and docks. I have had visitors and callers to wish me good luck, and a few that had no notion that I was in the hospital-business as usual. My cousin called and said my grandma was living her final hours and not expecting to make it but for a few more days. Her 93rd birthday is May 8th-a trip to Florida to see her now would be out of the question-I'll call her and see if we can talk. Steve drove me here, Cori dropped in (I apologize for being on the phone so long), and the kids came in to play games. All great distractions, but there is no quieting my mind for long.
The Guilda's Club luncheon was emotion evoking as I recalled my walk last year down the runway and remembered a fellow model who did not survive the year. The final walk accompanied by the uplifting song "I will survive" brought tears to my eyes as small children twirled in their dresses (leukemia/lymphoma cancer patients), and an 89 year old nearly skipped down the catwalk pumping her arms in victory. Hope and a promise...

warrior to battle

I am getting all the chores done that I haven't gotten to and trying once again to clear out clutter and simplify my life before going to battle. I declined a doctor visit with Dr Kaplan and said just to book me for the recommended treatments and get it over. I cannot imagine the old days when warriors were headed to battle and saying good-bye to loved ones (though I am far from there yet), getting their lives in order and armor on-oh the sleepless nites!

Preparing for Round Three

I had a PT scan last Tuesday and the technician told me that she would have the results to Dr Kaplan the next morning. She, of course, couldn't tell me anything about the results, so wait I did. Next morning I got an offer on the duplex we have listed for sale, and I was frazzled because I didn't have the keys for the unit I wanted to show and I was 5 minutes late. The meeting was intimidating as I was hit with a low offer, but I had to realize, that is the market, and at least it was an offer. I raced from class to my cancer network monthly lunch and made it in time to eat the end of Ellie's salad. Perfect for my new-get back on track-diet. Bill and Elaine (sister and brother in law) were arriving for our first Mariners baseball game, and the weather had changed from sunny to sprinkles (20 degree temp drop). I returned from a losing game to a missed phone call from my doctor-he would call back tomorrow.
Next morning I skipped swimming to relax and enjoy breakfast with our company before they left only to be interruupted from my sudoku game to my blackberry alarm telling me I had a 3 clock hour legal update class in an hour in Bellevue. I grabbed a banana and kissed everyone goodbye racing out the door. The class was great, my offer got better, and I finished my sudoku successfully and waited for the Doctor call until 11:30 and falling asleep, joined Mylo (our grandpuppy) and Steve, in bed.
This morning the sun was out, not only did I get a signed deal on the duplex, making my financial picture brighter, but Bonnie and I have another deal in the works that appears to be going to close, yet the word of the scan still weighed heavy on my mind. Two walks with Mylo later, and back to the office for more paperwork, and then home again. The family gathered and milled around for dinner and the call came in. Results: there are new tumors on the liver and lymph nodes on my neck, so I will be back to chemo treatments next week. I am visualizing the hammer coming down on the little buggers harder this time, and I will be back even stronger. Stay tuned.

Flying High

Wish I had a picture for this one, but Steve took it on his cell phone and I don't yet know how to get it out of that box...
Steve and I went down to my brother, Todd's house last Sunday to celebrate the spring birth dates of my 2 brothers, niece, brother-in-law, and nephew. We are not doing presents anymore due to the economy, but we never fail to find reasons to feast-as if last weeks Easter feast wasn't enough. This time we arrived early so that I would not miss a ride on Todd's newly painted kit airplane (Steve still won't venture out in this plane and is scared to have me fly either and constantly kids about the leftover screws).
Todd and I were both eager to get up in the air, and I had no expectations for the trip other than a buzz over Crest airfield where Todd lives, since that is what every other waiting person has gotten. But, I was there early, and no one was waiting, nor were there any inclement weather warnings so Todd must have decided to show me the best time-something I would remember.
We climbed into the 2 seat er plane and seat belted ourselves in as Todd explained the instrument panel in front of us and put on his headphones, and Steve stood by taking pictures on his cell phone (I was surprised he was even watching). We taxied down the runway, lifting off and turning south toward majestic Mt Rainier. We had to get out of Kent first and sailed at 175mph over a multitude of lakes with beaver debree-no boats yet-sprawling farms, and a few small towns that dissipated into wilderness, all the while the sun smiling brightly on us. I simply asked if Todd ever flew by Mt Rainier and he must have took it to mean I wanted to go in that direction because we headed straight for it in it's full glory. The summit was circled by linen white fluffy stacked clouds that Todd explained meant there were high winds and we shouldn't get too near, nevertheless we weaved through mountain tops closer than I had imagined we would as I recalled the days before I learned to drive when Todd fearlessly took me for 360 spins in his Austin Healey on ice in the parking lot. Perhaps to ease any tension I might have, Todd explained we had plenty of room above the treetops, and were staying right within the valley so as to have ample room for turning around. As we approached I could see the glaciers on the mountain and was in awe of the deep turquoise blue coloring I had only seen once before from a cruise ship in Alaska. The avalanche danger was so much more apparent from this angle. "Where is Crystal ski area",I asked, and Todd banked the plane. "Do you think anyone is climbing?", and he showed me the ridge past Paradise where climbers would be, but we saw no one. I could imagine the assent to the summit, the heavens, but remembered the comment about the clouds and winds and avalanche danger and was glad no one was out risking their lives. I turned my head to see a huge waterfall cascading down the mountain as we cruised through another valley, then suddenly I saw 3 white mountain goats jumping up the rocks and excitedly pointed them out to Todd who immediately turned abruptly around leaving my stomach in my throat only to find they had hidden from sight. "Last week I saw a herd of elk" he said, and we headed in the direction they had last been sited. "Look down there, there is an airfield, see the white strip?" It was covered with snow and we headed down as if to land...a near touch and go, I held my breath, and we headed up again. Beautiful! Out of the valley between the forested mountains, we banked south and spotted the herd of elk laying in the field. Todd returned to buzz the herd who pretended not to see us and lay lazily in the sun. Amazing that you found them again! Wow. It had been nearly an hour, and I was sure that Steve thought we must have crashed, but we landed without a bump from the most amazing ride of my life. Thanks Todd, for a beautiful gift. You are extremely talented.

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Dressed in green, curly hair, wonderful friends, great family, and enough...I have it all. Business is picking up though it has been a dry spell since I have had a paycheck, I am trusting in God to provide enough. Lately I am feeling like I can begin to plan further ahead than 2 days. I think 6 months ahead. The rain begins to get me down and then it snows beautiful, huge, white flakes and everything is clean and fresh.
The next Guilda's Club Fashion show is coming up in May and I will be hosting a table, so let me know if you would like to attend so I can get an invitation out to you. I will not be modeling like last year, but appreciating the lunch and views of todays models who are living with cancer. We lost a great friend who modeled with me last year. Another friend who moved to Vermont passed away just last month after a very expediant battle with cancer. There are new research projects on the horizon that will change the next generation. I am hopeful. Join me when you can in making a difference for someone with cancer.

Quick update on the Insurance

Great advice from the peanut gallery and I now have had my next Avastin treatment last Wednesday and it was approved for six more months! I still need to go back to them again and get approval for the Oct and Nov treatments that I haven't been authorized for, but that seems to be something only I am still concerned about. Thanks for all your support and advice out there. It would be nice if I were helping out future cancer patients in getting the same treatment. I have 9 members of my cancer support group that would sign petitions and perhaps even go on the treatment themselves if it helps. My message has been...Don't stop here! AND Don't forget to say "thank you".

Happy New Year! 2009

I watched the movie "Benjamin Button" last night and wondered if I had been getting younger myself the past 2 years. My face is less wrinkled, I have a tan. I have new beautiful brown hair that I don't have to tame and there isn't one single grey hair. With the exception of circulation and nerve repair, I feel as great as ever. I guess the month long trip to Borrego Springs, CA, Fiji and Australia to visit with extended family suited me very well!

Back to snowy (well I missed most of it, but I hear the neighbors took photos of the white Christmas) Seattle and cold weather and rain...I still feel invigorated. I think I need to take my own advise and escape the doldrums of the dark Northwest (I read Twilight-filmed in Forks, WA on my sunny vacation) and replace it with vitamin B filled paradise (anywhere hot and sunny). I feel so fortunate to be the miracle symbol of hope that I have become. I have a job, my health, a sound house (even 3), some stock, and a world of family and friends who love me.

I did return to reality and an insurance notice of benefits (or lack thereof) stating that I had been denied coverage on the past 4 treatments that are working to keep me in remission. At $22,000 a treatment, I guess they figured they had to cut costs, so I am now working on what is wrong with this picture. Several friends have suggested I get a medical claims lawyer, and I may need to, but I prefer not to incur additional costs at the present. It upsets me to think of how many really sick people don't have the energy to fight the insurance battle and do not get treatment...and it is a full time battle. So, for now, I am praying that there has been a mistake and I can get my next treatment soon and stay away from chemo and the hospital for awhile.

Keep your heads above water and know that there is a God watching out for us all.